The past few months, perhaps even the past few years, have found me hiding behind a mask of cheerfulness and dishonesty. When there was strain on my relationship with Christ, I felt that I must put up the mask so I wouldn't let anyone down- especially those who look up to me. As pride, laziness, and apathy slowly crept its way into my heart over the months, they pushed out any form of commitment and ardor that I felt for the Lord at one time. The Proverbs describe sin as "smooth as oil" and "dripping honey," but as we walk down the path to sin we do not know that it can cost us our life! (Prov. 7)
Once I found myself prone to the Devil's schemes, I made a battle cry. The problem, however, was that I tried so hard to eradicate sin on my own. I had absolutely no true joy, and I got to the point where I just felt lackluster and numb towards my entire relationship with Christ! If you have ever felt this way, you know how terribly conflicting it is- especially if you are externally involved in so many "Christian" activities. I have never felt like more of a hypocrite and liar in my entire life.
The good news is that the Lord does not give up on us. When we are faithless, He remains faithful and full of SO much love! The one prayer that has remained throughout the past few months in my virtually non-existent prayer life has been one of emotional repentance: "Father, right now I'm feeling really, really guilty that I haven't cared to crack open my Bible in the last few days... so I'll read a bunch of chapters and try to change!" Rather than groveling back to the Lord with the same prayer but no heart change, I choose to now echo the prayers of King David:
"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit in me. . . restore to me the JOY of salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me."Though I have attempted to cover these feelings of spiritual stagnation and blandness with a glamorous mask, I am now cracking past the hard and crusty surface of that mask to expose a fleshly and vulnerable face of repentance. In 2011, I wish to intentionally seek accountability and to have a willing spirit. I can always use a little more joy in my life!