I just got back from a date with myself at Starbucks... which seems kind of weird, seeing as today was technically the first day back from Spring Break. But it was fitting- I snagged the corner table, where I could still have enough light to read my Bible but be snuggled away enough to pray while watching the rain- it was perfect.
...except that I left the place terribly confused and not extremely happy with God. I walked in hoping for some divine inspiration and sweet time with Him, and left wishing I had never opened my Bible in the first place.
So what was getting me all riled up? It was the fact that I just didn't understand, I wasn't getting any answers to my questions, and not everything is going to make sense all the time. To sum it all up, I'm frustrated that I'm not all-knowing. How can I know where God wants me to go and what He wants me to do and how He wants me to live my life "if I am clogged with wishes of my own" and unable to discern what would delight Him most? And how can I tell if my motives are pure? Am I being prideful? Basically, my obsession with understanding my place on Earth has caused me to demand from God instant insight about all aspects & details of my life.
I understand my plight. With complete understanding, we would hardly feel the need for an all-knowing and loving God. Without a loving God, leading us when we don't understand, we would wander aimlessly. I find it to be like walking through thick, incessant fog- I cannot see more than 1 or 2 steps in front of me. Until God lifts the fog, I have three choices- 1) to stop walking and curl up in a ball, waiting for the fog to just go away, 2) to continue walking, but groping at the air in hopes of avoiding any wrong path or obstacles (like a tree- ouch), OR 3) to continue walking by listening to His voice and commands. I've been living according to the second option- pushing myself forward in blindness and self-confidence. This gets me nowhere. It would be much easier to walk according to the third option- listening and obeying. Although his voice may linger, wait for it- His voice and understanding are revealed at just the right time (Hab 2:3). We must have humility in this, because He's the only all-seeing one who actually knows what's going on- you're just a blind fool in dense fog.
Maybe I should think about asking Him humbly for understanding, then wait patiently for a response... and maybe that Starbucks date wasn't so useless, after all.