Tuesday, March 22, 2011

And so I wait.

Back when I was ambitious and in shape my freshman year, I spent a fair part of the early mornings weaving through streets on an excruciating run with good friends. I say excruciating because my joints just aren't quite up to par for running extended amounts of time... and I learned that quickly. But it was in those early mornings, as we breathlessly took off in the frigid air through quiet streets, we saw the first peek of dawn. We donned our gloves and leggings as darkness lingered, and returned with the bright sun shining just above the horizon.

I love those early mornings, when the rare and valuable calm of dawn hang around for just a fleeting moment. It's when people walk their dogs, coffee-drinkers juice up for the day, and the world wakes up. This small blip in time, which lasts only about an hour, teems with promise and holds an enormous amount of potential. After all, it's a new day- what will it hold? I've taken quite a fancy to waking up before the dawn so I can  enjoy the calmness of the moment and prepare for the day ahead. No one will bother me, I am sure of that, and I can have focused time on whatever I want! Some days I wish the dawn would last a little longer, and other days I am more than ready for the day to steam on ahead.

But what if the dawn seems to last longer than we want? Kind of an odd concept to grasp. What if the dawn, the verge of endless potential and breakthrough, lasted a little longer than you wished or expected?

I've been waiting on the fogginess of dawn to lift for some time. Although my life was shrouded with darkness for a time, in which I felt separated from God (but He never left me!), the dawn finally came. Though foggy and still holding traces of the evening shadows, the Lord brought forth bursts of sunlight and newness to my relationship with Him! I could see my sin clearly, and He helped me to eradicate it. He caused me to fall in love with Him all over again.

But I feel as though I am still waiting at dawn- not yet ready to go forth with my duties of the day, but more than willing. I am waiting on His word to "go" and "do" and "serve." It is as if the clock chiming 8 o'clock has been stuck at 7:59, and can't seem to move. I am learning more than I ever have, and I am hearing so many words from Him, but they are still undistinguished and honestly a little confusing. I have much to learn, and I wait with an expectant ear perked toward the sound of His voice. "Our hearts are restless 'til they rest in Thee," says Augustine, and I agree.

I do not know what the day will bring. I hope to run and not grow weary, and I hope to run the race of the day with endurance. But right now, I feel as though God wants me to wait on something- waiting expectantly and patiently. In the meantime, I will pursue this unknown God with a stronger desire than ever before- undistracted, because that's what it's like in the calmness of the dawn.

I've posted this poem before, but it's worth sharing again.

Waiting by S.D. Gordon

Steadfastness, that is, holding on
Patience, that is, holding back
Expectancy, that is, holding the face up
Obedience, that is, holding one's self in readiness to go or do
Listening, that is, holding quiet & still, so as to hear
How long, Lord, must I wait?
"Never mind, child. Trust me."

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