Monday, October 28, 2013

Worship (Days 27 & 28): Expectations

If you're reading my 31-day series on Worship for the first time, consider clicking over here to my Day 1 post to see the introduction and to find the rest of the posts in the series!

This is days 27 & 28 of my series on Worship. I could break it up and create two separate posts, but something that The Nester said recently keeps bugging me in the back of my mind:

"I hope if nothing else, we’ve all learned to be a little easier on ourselves. Stop with all the high and mighty expectations that exhaust us and steal the joy from the very thing we were working so hard to create. We make it so difficult."

 D and I went on a drive last night, just to see where a road ends. There was no destination-- only the journey and an eventual "well, I guess we should turn around now." I got to see things that I usually wouldn't notice if we were in a hurry or if I really cared about getting somewhere. And as I drooled at the charming old homes and rolling fields along the way, my mind leaned back and pondered where I'm at right now.

I'm so so thankful for where I am. Really, I am. I have a wonderful job and my husband is truly thriving in school-- the things that happened two years ago are beginning to make sense and everything seems to be falling into place. And yet.

Yet despite the beautiful things we've been handed, I always feel so tired and defeated and helpless. Where does this even come from?! I think the quote above answers much of it: my expectations suck myself dry and exhaust me of any joy that I had in the first place. In my occupation, I become drained when my students are not excelling. In my ministry, my joy vanishes when I do not see results. In my pursuit of friendships in this new town, my heart threatens to go into hiding and never come out. My expectations hold back a rain of joy from this parched heart.

So today, as my eyelids droop and I grimace against my tasks, here is where I will worship:

"When all around my soul gives way, He then is all my hope and stay."

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