I've been quiet.
My life has been nothing but change for the past two years, and now that I've stopped kicking my heels into the ground, the dusts of change are finally beginning to settle. I can see what's in front of me. Our life has been finally, wonderfully, consistently the same for just a few months, and now my soul can breathe.
I feel my heart unfolding. It was clammed up for so long, bracing against the new and unknown and unexpected, longing for safety. I never thought that I would be one to resist newness, but somehow my heart grew crippled under all the things that I just didn't expect to happen. The control that I once (thought that I) held in my hands slipped through my fingers and left me for good.
And through it all, I clung onto His giant finger as if it was the only thing keeping me from falling-- with my eyes clenched shut and my my face hidden from everything around me, my arms and legs wrapped around his finger as if I was glued to it-- I didn't speak to Him for fear that I would lose my focus and fall into the pit beneath me. I was scared.
And now, in these days that remain the same, I find myself longing for so much more purpose and something to kick up the dust of change once again... don't I remember how lost I felt when I could not predict tomorrow?
It has been in these quiet days that remain the same that I have begun to listen to the sweet, soft, gentle whisper of I AM; the all-encompassing I WILL BE. He tells me that He has assigned my portion and my cup; He has made my lot secure (Psalm 16:5). He whispers that I cannot find fulfillment from change or lively days or loads of new friends or unpredictability. Quietly and lovingly, He slips a note in the middle of my lists and complaints that says "rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away."
He has taught me that I cannot find my joy and fulfillment in pursuing a great marriage, successful career, or meaningful friendships. They will.not.satisfy. Only by seeking His glorification and His gain will I truly be set free to live a purposeful and peaceful life. The dust is settling, and I can see clearly.
Bring glory to Yourself, Father, just as you did so many years ago in the Israelites' painful exodus. You are the glory in the change. You are the purpose in the changeless days. You are the fighter when my boxing gloves are worn. "You will fight for me-- I need only be still." (Ex. 14:14)
This is what I have been learning in the quiet.