I feel as though everything from the past few months has been accumulating pressure in a tiny box in my head, unsuspecting and painless, until just this week- and now everything is suddenly exploding and setting off annoyingly sharp alarms. I am not enjoying the feelings that have pierced my heart and my head in the last few days, and it seems pointless to scramble for the pieces of myself that have exploded all over the place. I am a mess.
Someone told me last week, after traveling for her job, that sitting in a hotel room in Eastern Kentucky made her seriously consider her life. (There really isn't much else to do out there.) Was this it? She is a dreamer type of person, for sure... and here she finds herself sitting in a hotel in a town of no more than 1,000 people, waiting for something exciting to happen.
I find myself feeling the same way, as I Google the reasons for the aluminum industry in Kentucky and study the history of pointillism. None of these things seem very relevant to my life, and I feel stifled by things that don't seem to matter. There are so many other things that I would rather do with my time- but really, I'm just complaining. I join the chorus of a billion other college students who are simply fed up with studying for finals, I think.
In general, I think I'm just over college. I understand that this is a special season of life, and I shouldn't wish my life away- college is only a short part of my life! I am such a reflector, it's ridiculous. I think about my life a lot, and I try to figure out just why I do the things I do... the multiple intelligence theory would call me intrapersonal. But what I have found about myself is that I am always so ready for the next stage of life, and nothing in the present can satisfy me enough. This drives me crazy, because I want so badly to be content and to use every opportunity to the maximum capacity!
What do I want? I want to help people. I want to help people without having to worry about a schedule, money, other obligations, routines, or other people's approval. I really wish there was some way to organically help people without the label of an organization or movement- but in all reality, things just don't get done unless there is an organized effort.
But shouldn't Jesus be enough? Shouldn't Christ be the driving force behind all of our efforts? The fact of the matter is, we are human and we are selfish. We do things with an agenda to make ourselves look good, and oftentimes it works. Although I try to intentionally go out of my way to help people for the cause of Christ (and to introduce them to the Gospel), there will always be a twinge of selfishness and laziness lying beneath the surface of it all, I think. And there will always be other things that require my time and attention.
The Proverbs 31 woman "laughs at the things to come." I've got it wrong- I wish for the things to come, and forget about the things that have come- nothing is ever enough.
This post makes absolutely no sense. It's a jumbled mess, but I did tell you that my head has exploded into a million pieces, right? What it all boils down to is that I am uncomfortable with this stage of life because I feel that it is stifling my desire to serve. I am not content with my circumstances. What will it take to "give thanks in all circumstances?"
Tonight while studying and on the verge of tears, I heard and remembered one of my absolute favorite songs in the world- The Power of the Cross by the Gettys. You should listen to it, melt, then be reminded of the power of the cross. Seriously, when you think about the cross and Christ's salvation for us, it becomes a lot easier to give thanks in every single circumstance!