For when you can't throw God a parade

Sunday night is a fragile space of time.

My planner wide open, my lesson plans spread, my internship binder created, my eyes bulging. How is all of this going to fit into five tiny school days? And how will I do it all before it's time to come home and make dinner for a hungry, studious husband?

I know I'm not the only one with a bundle of responsibilities and a package of worries. You're just as busy as the rest of us. It's just that I'm beginning to notice, with every early morning run and jam-packed school day and late night sewing spree, how easy it has been to place my priorities on everything except what truly matters.

I love my job. Love my job. I love serving my husband. I love spending time fulfilling my resolution for 2013 of creating and enjoying beauty through my newest pursuit to sew and sell scarves. And I love training for another half-marathon! All of these things feel so natural to me; I am finally beginning to find and enjoy the things that He has uniquely created me to be. But at what point do those beautiful and enjoyable things become an idol that wars over my soul??

I never wanted to be a career woman, but learning more about being a teacher pulls my heart and affections closer to my classroom and my students day by day. I want to help these struggling students change and feel successful. I want to love on them and make them feel special, all while becoming the best teacher I can be. I want to spend hours poring over my lessons, making them work so that I can pack the biggest punch possible in each of those 30-minute sessions. I want to be effective. And if you have any doubts about how much hard work goes into being an effective and loving teacher, read this and doubt no more.

Between the lessons and the long runs and the dirty dishes galore, I hardly have time to even think about when I will have time to spend some time with Jesus. I remember at the end of the day, as my eyes are quickly drooping, that I need to spend some quality time with Him tomorrow. As the dismissal bell rings and my heart rate begins to slow back to its normal pace, I ask myself what in the world it was that I learned from my quiet time that morning that I so desperately needed to remember throughout the day. My mind moves at a hundred miles per minute from 7-3:30, so how am I supposed to remember to intentionally love my neighbor and constantly be in prayer with the Lord??

I have dwelt on the wise words of Jerry Bridges for at least 2 weeks, and it has encouraged my heart so much as I ask questions such as these.

"Even the most dull and tedious days of our lives are ordained by God and ought to be used by us to glorify Him."

His glory is found in the smallest moments.

The tedious moments of our lives-- those when I just want to snap or cry or run away from all my responsibilities-- those moments are ordained by God.

A kind word shared before the morning bell rings, a prayer of thankfulness for patience with a student, a cry for grace when kind words are not shared: His glory is found in those moments.

I'm so thankful that God's glorification does not require a giant parade with streamers and confetti, because I just don't have time for that. What I do have time for, though, is what I'm already doing-- and when His glory is made a priority in my everyday doings, those things that once stood as idols quickly refine themselves into something with much greater purpose.

I'm all for living what I love with a purpose much greater than my own... and it's beautifully freeing.

Confessions of a "Well-Planned Hoarder"

One of the biggest obstacles in our first few weeks (months?) of marriage was determining the standard for organization and cleanliness. I knew I was somewhat organized and liked to keep mold from growing in my living space, but there's something about sharing a bathroom and kitchen sink with a boy that seems to spotlight my high standards for a well-kept home. Since I am Mrs. Organization and am studying to be the facilitator of 20-something students under the age of 12 (also known as an elementary teacher), the battle with my new husband for an organized home was a bit more of a challenge. For example:

He said: "Where's the computer charger?"
She said: "In the box under the coffee table. It'll always be there, so you will always know where to find it."
He said: "Why would you do that? Just leave it plugged in the wall!"

I just can't handle something as ugly as a charger not having a "place" out of sight. Hence the box under the coffee table. But my manly husband doesn't understand why the plug has to be out of sight!

I've been dwelling a lot lately on the true importance of organization in my season of life and what it truly accomplishes. I like being organized because it helps me feel like my life is under control and running efficiently. But how much of our lives are dedicated to organizing?

This minimalist blog struck my heart in a freshly sharp way. Could organization become "well-planned hoarding"? Are we constantly in the business of getting our clutter together and out of sight? I'm not talking about a time organizer (like an agenda or calendar), I'm talking stuff. I had a breakdown last weekend because I couldn't find "a thing to wear" in the massive mounds of clothes that had stacked up inside my closet. Sound familiar? I dedicate at least 45 minutes each week to finding a place for all those clothes in our little apartment and single dresser. Perhaps what I need is less organizing skills and simply less.

I could use the time I spend re-organizing my messy and crammed clothes drawers doing much more productive things like serving my husband. Or doing my never-ending homework. And being content with just a few quality items in my closet, because all I need is less.

Do you agree? This is a difficult concept to adopt in a consumerist, there-is-never-enough era. I'm learning, and I'm mostly just tired of re-organizing my super-crammed closet all. the. time. The lesson learned is contentment and uprooting of the stuff I don't really need so I can spend my hours on the things that really mean a whole lot more. What is most worth your precious and fleeting time?

Because the Teacher Learns, Too

It happened again today. It happened after the worst lesson of my student teaching experience; a lesson on addition story problems gone totally wrong. I'm sure the kids learned something, and they probably saw nothing wrong, but it definitely left me flustered, teary, and more than a little sweaty (of course). We dropped the kids off for special area, and I was finally alone with my supervising teacher so that I could begin apologizing for the past 45 minutes of class time...

But instead of adding to the 57 terrible things I had shared, she said something like this:
"Your planning was excellent. Making a lesson run smoothly just takes practice."

I was horribly uncomfortable with what she said.
It meant that I couldn't possibly do everything perfectly right now.
It meant that I would mess up.
It means I can't have complete control.
It means I have to be vulnerable.

It happened again today- I realized my humanity. I realized my enormous need for grace. I realized that, no matter how many nights I nearly pull an all-nighter and stay up long enough to see the sun peeking through the trees into our little apartment so that I will be prepared, I will not be perfect. And God's okay with that.

I proudly made quesadillas tonight for dinner. I've cooked dinner twice in the past 2 weeks. Am I failure as a wife? The former me would say yes, you awful wife who can't even make time to make food for your loving husband who does so much for you. How dare you forget to sweep and mop those hardwood floors and scrub the bathtub once a week and keep the toothpaste from caking onto the bathroom sink?! The former me (and sometimes, the current me) likes to say that I need to have everything together, sing happy songs with my first graders all day, have a budding social life, and have a gourmet dinner on the table by the time my husband gets home at 6:30. Ha... when I write it out it seems so silly, but isn't that what the picture-Pinterest-perfect woman does?!

Maybe that's what we're supposed to look like when we create an image of ourselves online. Maybe we can fool everyone on Facebook and blogs (and Twitter and Instagram and... there are way too many social media sites...) into thinking that every single day of our lives run perfectly and happily. But God knows better, and you darn well know better. He knows that you've had a rough day. He sees the pile of clothes you've been accumulating in your closet, even when the rest of your bedroom looks nice and clean (guilty guilty). He sees the number of sad/boring/difficult times you have that may often far outweigh the happy moments we celebrate on the outside. And He most definitely knows when I'm scared to death to begin my first day of solo teaching tomorrow. AND HE STILL LOVES ME.

I'm learning. I hate learning, but I love learning. As I've mentioned before, the tight and hard spaces we wedge through in order to find our way to a better understanding of Jesus are oh-so-worth it. Being vulnerable and a new, inexperienced teacher is good for me. It means learning to be teachable. It means learning to be humble. It means learning I am not perfect. It means learning to lean on Christ's strength. It means learning to love my husband in new and creative ways.

It means learning that going for a weekend trip to Chi-town with great friends in the smack middle of student teaching is sometimes not entirely wise but extremely refreshing:



And I'm thankful that I'm learning.

The Potential for Today

As the semester unwinds and my heart comes alive, I can't help but wonder what parts of life have passed by unknowingly in the months of busy business. The long nights and longer days full of TWS editing and lesson creating are gone for the time being, and my soul skips to bed around 10:30 or so as I check off the last thing on my to-do list. I never finish a to-do list. After a season of swimming with my head just above the surface, gasping for a sweet breath of air, it is nice to take a breather on a raft in the middle of a cool ocean.   He is good like that. In allowing myself to learn how to rest, He has made it easier to lean against the wall of His protective hands. I don't have to go through the busy seasons alone and on my own. I don't even have to depend on myself to get a 60-minute quiet time wedged into my day every single day. Rather, He provides time by His own sweet grace.

He provides it through beautiful days and long, painful runs. Between the gasps of air, I breathe You provide enough. That's just it- He provides just enough life, breath, and oxygen to get me to the next mile marker. He provides me with just enough life, breath, alertness, and motivation to get me to the next task, list, responsibility, and bedtime. He teaches me these lessons as I'm struggling for physical strength to make it the next 1/4 mile.

He provides quiet time through anxious moments at school. When I walk up and down the hallway, tension rising in my bones from people or deadlines or crazy students, I breathe You are my Creator. My exaltation of Him in the most stressful moments causes my days to feel so tiny and non-dramatic. I like it that way. He gives me an eternal perspective and Creator-sized perspective so that I can give kind attention to each student and handle each stressful situation with an attitude and words which say You are my Creator, and You have an eternal purpose for me. My dreams and ambitions and situations don't seem nearly as enormous when I think of it that way. Not even the 70-something page Teacher Work Sample can intimidate me.

Life has passed by me in a blink, and I wonder where all of the Spring semester has gone. I could wish that I had invested more, prayed more, loved more, done more, planned more, or smiled more, but in the end I know that He still loves me and provides me with enough grace to do all of those things, upon His strength, tomorrow. Today, even. So rather than feeling saddened and regretful about how Spring 2012 has passed by in a blink, I will rejoice in the opportunity to make the most of it today. He has given me more than I could ever have asked for or imagined, and I am so so thankful for the opportunity to learn that through my weaknesses.

Good-bye, Facebook

Today, I thought "I should post that on my status."
And then I realized that I had no Facebook.

I've decided to temporarily (or maybe permanently) remove myself from Facebook for so many reasons, and so far it has proved to be very rewarding. In the season of life that I'm at and the road the Lord has me walking on, it just seems like the best idea. Maybe I'll harp on it later, or maybe I won't, but for now- just know that I'm trying my hardest to live faithfully in the monotony of schoolwork and the fast pace of wedding planning.

Rather than scrolling down the Newsfeed, I've been able to fill my brain and my soul with uplifting things- and I've found so much hope in the daily posts at {in}courage. For the female soul, this blog really is an honest voice- sometimes from the broken and defeated, but always hopeful and encouraging. Today I found so much hope in a post about faithfulness (even when you're only being faithful to a laundry pile or a homework assignment). I highly encourage a look at it:

http://www.incourage.me/2012/02/faithfulness-vs-prominence.html

When "busy" isn't enough

In one of the movies I watched today, a teenage girl thrashed her feelings out in a blog. It made me shudder a little to think that's what I may look like- the emotionally drained girl who just wants someone to see her feelings and listen- which is a little pathetic, in my opinion. I'm hoping that isn't what this blog turns out to be- so just hear me out. I write these things in hopes that maybe there are a few other college girls (or anyone else, for that matter) who feel the exact same way as me; that the unspoken struggles which Christians face daily will come to the surface. Maybe then we will see that Satan's schemes aren't all that uncommon.

It would be an understatement to say that I am tired of saying the phrase "I'm so busy." Truthfully, I would be so happy if the word busy was to drop from my vocabulary, because it has become more than just a state of being- it has morphed into an excuse, a point of pride, an alibi, a complaint, and a reason to slack or ignore. I really am so tired of telling people that I am busy.

One of the main reasons I am tired of that word is because of something I read about a month ago on an author's blog. It seemed that she was writing the exact things that I've complained about all semester- being too busy for anything "fun" or "relaxing" because of the long list of tasks at hand. The differences between her and I are our seasons of life and our ways of dealing with it. I can't remember the exact quote, but this mom of four young kiddos and wife of a famous speaker said something to the extent of "this season is hard and draining, but I must continue to place my relationship with Christ at the forefront of my priorities."

Now hold the phone and listen up- I walk through each semester begging for the breaks to get here faster so that I can "catch up" on my relationship with the Lord and de-stress from the demands of responsibilities. Yet this woman, who is on call 24/7/365, finds reason to love and pursue Jesus in the midst of fulfilling the role of a true Proverbs 31 woman. I'm not intimidated by her; I'm disappointed in myself.

I opened my Bible yesterday morning and realized that I couldn't remember the last time I had picked it up for more than ten minutes. I cried realizing that in the course of a semester, studying for my ENG 407 test became more important than studying the Book of Life. The excuse of "busy" became the reason to leave my Bible on the shelf, pack my backpack with textbooks, and push my relationship with the King to the "To-Do over Christmas Break" list. Yes, I went to church, and I kept up with my "Christian face" just fine, but my heart was creating a long-distance relationship with Jesus that widened with every study session and complaint. And that, my friends, is not what Jesus intended our relationship to be like. I'm not saying that having a relationship with Christ is easy during the busy seasons- I'm saying we have to try during the busy seasons.

When I stop reading the Bible and spending time with the Lord, talking about Him seems unnatural. It seems phony, fake, and almost like a foreign language. It makes me uncomfortable to be around people who are glowing with love for Jesus, and it makes me want to hide from it even more. (that's Satan at work, FYI)

"When we are faithless, He is faithful."

I hide, and He whispers. I become cold, and He breathes warm new life. I am faithless, but He continues to be faithful. Just as the Israelites rejected Him time after time, I forget to spend time with my Father during the busy times. Yet even in the times when I forget about my Father, He never forgets about me.

"But He brought His people out like a flock; He led them like sheep through the wilderness." -Ps. 78:52

The Israelites (and me) need the Father... desperately. If you are between a rock and a hard place, feeling the coldness of unnatural talk and discomfort around other Christians, take 5 minutes to read Psalm 78 and understand that God has been in the business of loving the unfaithful for thousands of years- and He will welcome you back into His open arms, too. And amidst being faithful to all of His sheep, He is never too busy for me... so I should never be too busy for Him. It all depends on how important this relationship truly is to me.

These are just the beginning thoughts. Going back to what the author-blogger wrote, I realize that this "busy season" (ugh, I really hate that word) will never really end- from here until eternity, I will always have something which competes for my time and has the potential to drain my relationship with Christ. Satan is good at finding ways to do that. Rather than throwing in the towel and throwing myself head-first into the things which make me "busy," I must first learn to find my peace and hope in Christ alone.

More on this very soon... but I think this has been long enough :)

Day 18: Something I miss

While talking with an M in Bali about doing international missions in my hometown, I was blown away when he told me that God had brought the nations to us when He sent international students, immigrants, and refugees. In a sense, He is giving us no excuse to share Christ with the nations. Immediately after I returned home I began a race toward reaching international students on my campus with the Good News, and it brought life and purpose to my daily living in ways that I never knew existed before. Pouring into sweet friends who are away from home... I loved it.

2 years ago we hosted 2 Asian students at our home for Thanksgiving Break. This weekend, I thought about how long it had been since I really invested in many international students. If you've read even a few of my blog posts in the last few months, you'll know that I've been full of excuses for why I should only focus on my schoolwork and how overwhelming it all is, brushing aside all the other responsibilities that Christ has placed before me. It took a long date with Jesus last night and some desperately needed alone time to remind myself that serving Christ is a choice that I must make and a priority that I must place before anything else.

I feel the temptations pressing in on me to forget about Christ and the joy He gives me. I see so many good things to live for- teaching, homemaking, doing well in school, loving the people closest to me, etc. They are all good things, and each can glorify Christ in unique ways. But are those good things my motivation for living? What gets me out of bed every morning? Why do I act and plan and talk the way that I do? What is it that gives me life, breath, and joy each day? Placing Christ as my top priority is a choice. I must choose to meaningfully get out of my bed each morning and purpose my steps in a manner that says "today I live because Christ gives me breath, and so I will breathe for Him."

This isn't so much about missing international students as it is about missing the focus that I once had on the One who gives me breath. I miss arranging my schedule around quiet time with the Lord and service to Him. Arranging my schedule around work for school is exhausting, yet often necessary, so I pray that my heart would be steadfast on Him even on the days when all I do is write papers.

If I truly say that I live for Christ, I pray that my heart and mind would be steadfast and focused on Him, moment by moment.

"Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory." -Col. 3:1-4

Comments and complaints

Another week flies by, and I wonder where it went. It would be so easy to complain right now- to blubber on about time management and hard classes and wanting to be more social- but we all hear that every day from everyone. I'm tired of giving the "I'm so busy" spiel, asking for sympathy from everyone else who is just as busy as I am. I'm tired of making excuses for slacking off in being intentional, for "not having time" to spend with the Lord in the mornings, and for being in a bad mood. I am fully convinced that Satan packs our schedules so that we will forget to find joy in the small things that God gives us... and he's slowly chipping me apart.

The great news is that, although I often forget about the Lord while I'm wallowing away in my mounds of lesson plans and English homework, He has never forgotten about me. Even when I realize that I haven't made a visit to my sweet African refugee family in 2 months, and I have been less than intentional with my sweet international friends, He gives me grace to find the time in my schedule to make it up the next week. I fail every day, but He picks me back up... every single time!

"And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work." -2 Cor. 9:8

His grace can abound to me even during the busiest of seasons. His grace allows me to get through a semester of classes with a strength that I know cannot come from myself- it comes from Him alone. Despite everything that demands my time and attention, He carries me through it and equips me with exactly what I need to get through each day and glorify Him in the process!

Let's not forget why we're here on earth in the first place... and taking life day by day will gain a lot more intentionality and purpose. I'm so thankful for grace.

For those of us who worry too much...

"Whatever my God ordains is right,
Here shall my stand be taken;
Though sorrow, or need, or death be mine,
Yet I am not forsaken,
My Father’s care circles me there,
He holds me that I shall not fall,
And so to Him I leave it all."
~Samuel Rodigast

Today I have found a lot of peace in knowing that, if I take things day by day, I don't have to worry. Worrying about a pile of assignments or the food at our wedding is not necessary, because whatever my God ordains is right. Although this year has been full of a lot of happy times and happy days and many blessings, I have to remember that GOD ordains my every step and thought and movement... not myself. I'm thankful that He is teaching me, day by day, to walk with the faith that trusts He will bring me through even the smallest thing. I think it's a lot easier to depend on Him in the big things than it is to trust in His deliverance through the small things.... and I'm determined to change my 'Type A Personality' thinking! My prayer is that, by His grace, I'll learn to instantly throw myself upon Him in the early hours of every day, before those responsibilities and tasks begin to roll in with overwhelming force.

My God does not forsake even His most high-strung children... what a gift! Yet He calls me to "cast my cares" upon Him and not to worry about tomorrow. What a simple thing to say, but what effort it has taken over the years to truly get to the point where my heart can say that I will cast the cares entirely into His hands! He can take my burdens, and whatever He ordains is right. Word.

An update

In the last 2 weeks, I have moved into a new apartment, wedding planned like a crazy person, and attempted to re-adjust to America. Overwhelming, to say the least. My to-do list is about as long as the distance from me to Boubon right now, ranging from responding to emails sent in May to actually doing something with my Pinterest account. I'm excited for this last month of summer, and I plan not to waste it. So, there you have it- my lame excuse for not updating my blog with anything substantial for the last few weeks. Maybe next time!