Grace for the Wretch

I've read the Bible, read all kinds of books, and sang all kinds of songs, but after 12 years of following Christ I am just now realizing that I have no clue what God's grace actually means. Quite honestly, I sang "Hallelujah, grace like rain falls down on me" with a bit of confusion... or maybe I just brushed it under the rug by reminding myself of the familiar phrase "we're saved by grace." I'm not really sure. And don't even get me started on "Amazing Grace"- my hard heart sang the song just because it sounded good, but it seemed to be just a song for people who got it horribly wrong for the first 25 years of their life then suddenly came to Jesus after a dramatic encounter with Him. Apparently "a wretch like me" who was saved by amazing grace was not a description of a wretch like me.

I've been through the valley of questioning my faith, and I came out of the valley with an assurance that Christ has a hold on my heart forever. But now that my faith has been refined, He is testing my heart and prodding me to let go of a life of trying to live without His grace.

The breaking and healing process cultivates a fragile heart. As I learn that I live and breathe by God's grace, my heart is weakened when I face the first testing moment. Without my mask of strength and I-can-do-it-by-myself, I feel inadequate. I feel like I am not enough. Not enough to represent Christ to a sweet but unbelieving friend. Not enough to finish my schoolwork with excellence. Not enough to be a good encourager for my hardworking fiance. Not enough to train up a group of young girls in the way they should go. I am not enough.

But that is exactly the point.

"And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work." -2 Cor. 9:8

In Christ, I have all that I need to share Christ with my sweet friend. In Christ, I have all that I need to finish my schoolwork with excellence. Christ will give me all that I need to encourage my fiance in abundance. And He certainly is enough and will equip me with enough to be able to minister to my girls.

"For when I am weak, then I am strong." -2 Cor. 12:10

My heart is still fragile and humble and weak, but isn't that the best place to be in order to find His strength?