I don't know where I'm going, really. I am spinning my tires over and over again, rolling out a list of work to get done by the end of the week so that I can start on the next list. I feel like that gerbil we used to have in our room that decided to run on the wheel at the most annoying time of night... I never did like that little critter. And I don't like running with no purpose.
...and yet, I never once stopped to think that it was for a purpose.
I have always dreamed of getting to a point in my life where the road was open and free, ready for fresh decisions and no hindrances. Of picking which direction I want to go and going for it. I've dreamed of walking down the open path with many forks, happily skipping down whichever path seems more exciting. I dreamt of a day when life had so much potential to give me the freedom to do whatever I wanted to do. One day.
But maybe this life of treadmill pacing and circle spinning is actually for a reason? Maybe the Lord presented me with nights like last night/morning, hunched over a lesson plan and wearing the life out of my contacts, in order that He might show me how to rely on Him alone. When my weakness is entirely revealed and all the strength is drained away, He shows me in the calm of the night how absolutely pleasureable His purposes and His strength can be. I never imagined that this semester would be an adventure, but it is proving to be such a treasure inside a jar of clay. The dull ordinary of daily tasks hold inside of them a life of learning how richly sweet His strength truly is. And when I realize that His strength truly shows up when I'm weak, I find so much more purpose and adventure to all these nights of rolling to-do lists.