For the Beat-Up, Dress-Up Christian

Have you ever heard of a cotyledon?

No?

Neither had I, but apparently 3rd graders in Kentucky need to know what it is in relation to parts of a plant, and it's up to me to let them know all about it in science class.

I'm the worst science student who's married to a family of bio/chem students, and yet I'm expected to teach science content to the future scientists of America! I will admit that there were several times during student teaching when I had to research the content so that I could understand it enough to teach. And even then, I would be in the middle of a science lesson and get completely confused.

But I'm sure I learned all that stuff at some point in elementary school... right?

Being surrounded by Christianity practically my entire life, I've learned the basic building blocks of the Christian faith and totally have all 66 books of the Bible memorized. I've read, prayed, sang, learned, listened, recited, and applied the truths of the Bible millions of times in a thousand different ways for 20 years, yet there is always some new truth to learn or remember. And this is good, for it reminds me that the Bible is living AND active all the time.

I let Him take over my life at age 7, but somewhere along the way my Christian walk became more about "why can't I be more ____"s and "people will praise me if ____"s... until suddenly my walk wasn't about delighting in and serving Jesus. It was about serving others by trying to perfect myself.

When we forget those truths that we learned at the very beginning-- those about Christ dying to save our imperfect and dead souls so that we might live forever with Him as if we never sinned against Him-- Christianity becomes too much about an attempt at impressing others and, surprisingly, impressing the all-knowing God. And when they aren't impressed, we're crushed.

So how about we take a step back and remember some truths that we might have learned in elementary school?

"But because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions-- it is by grace you have been saved." -Eph. 2:4-5

Praise the good Lord that He is rich in mercy. Even when I was dead (that's the rotting-under-the-ground-and-rather-stinky kind of dead) in sin, He made me alive again (that's the vibrant-and-breathing-with-color-to-my-face kind of alive). He saved me because of grace-- NOT because I did everything right. And even today, I continue to be spiritually alive (and physically alive, I suppose) only because His grace lets me be.

I learned these verses earlier than I learned how to multiply. Why, then, do I keep living as if His grace depends on my action?

Just for a day or five, put down the fancy-shmancy Bible Study book and pick up, ya know, the Bible. Read the basic truths that you probably already have memorized, and read them until you actually read the words. Then let them sink in.


And in case you care, a cotyledon is the embryo of a plant as it grows into a seedling. And I'm sure that was a basic fact that I learned in elementary school. Yes.

The Danger of Doing Something

The past few weeks, I've joined a friend in leading a small group Bible study for 9th grade girls. It's kind of like a flashback to last year, teaching the same age again. And I still love it.

We're going through Emily's book Graceful. I highly encourage you to check out her blog and read either of the two books she has written-- they were mind- and heart-shifting for me, the perfectionist and I-can-do-it-by-myself girl. I've learned a lot about grace, and I hope these sweet girls are learning, too.

This book has reminded me of a truth that I have tried to remind myself of daily: Doing vs. Believing. The danger of doing is the temptation to put a load on our shoulders of responsibility, guilt, and loneliness. The blessing of believing is freedom, trusting, and peace. Which would you rather have?

Way too many assignments are due at the same time.
What am I supposed to do?

Expectations were not met.
What am I supposed to do? 

The budget is tighter than your pants on Thanksgiving.
What am I supposed to do? 

Failure. Sickness. Death. Loneliness.
What am I supposed to do?  

The awesome D on our front door broke.
What am I supposed to do?

The D on our front door broke into 3 pieces, and so did my heart. Kind of. It was so nice to call our apartment "the one with the D on the door." But try as I might, that D wasn't getting fixed. So I trotted on over to Hobby Lobby and fixed myself a brand new fall wreath!

But some things just can't be "fixed." Have you ever noticed our desperate inclination to try to "fix" every situation that comes our way?? There are some parts of life that just can't be upcycled. As much as we want to, we can't DIY our problems to make them look better than they were before. We may attempt to put it all back together, or replace the problems with a cover-up smile while telling ourselves to "man up," but in the end the problem is still there.

The problem is still there because problems don't get fixed by little ol' us. Rather, a great, big GOD lifts our heads in the middle of the problem.

Suddenly, we stop trying to do something and start trying to believe something. We believe He is good. We believe He is in control.

Way too many assignments are due at the same time.
He is our Rock, a fortress in times of trouble. (Ps. 9:9)

Expectations were not met.
He is sufficient. (Phil. 4:19) 

The budget is tighter than your pants on Thanksgiving.
He is our Provider. (Phil. 4:19) 

Failure. Sickness. Death. Loneliness.
He has a beautiful plan in every tragedy. (2 Cor. 1:3-5, Jer. 29:11) 

I'm thankful that the burden is lifted. I'm not used to simply believing; I'm more of a hang-the-pretty-wreath-you-made-and-hide-your-problems-behind-the-door kind of girl. But the happy part? His grace is teaching me to simply believe instead of trying to do something myself. Because, really, anytime I try to "do something" about my problems... I end up letting myself down. But Christ does not give up on His sweet but oh-so-pathetic children!

What will you choose to believe?

I'm linking this post up with Gospel Homemaking for their Thrive at Home Weekly Linkup. Find lots more great bloggers by clicking here.

Because the Teacher Learns, Too

It happened again today. It happened after the worst lesson of my student teaching experience; a lesson on addition story problems gone totally wrong. I'm sure the kids learned something, and they probably saw nothing wrong, but it definitely left me flustered, teary, and more than a little sweaty (of course). We dropped the kids off for special area, and I was finally alone with my supervising teacher so that I could begin apologizing for the past 45 minutes of class time...

But instead of adding to the 57 terrible things I had shared, she said something like this:
"Your planning was excellent. Making a lesson run smoothly just takes practice."

I was horribly uncomfortable with what she said.
It meant that I couldn't possibly do everything perfectly right now.
It meant that I would mess up.
It means I can't have complete control.
It means I have to be vulnerable.

It happened again today- I realized my humanity. I realized my enormous need for grace. I realized that, no matter how many nights I nearly pull an all-nighter and stay up long enough to see the sun peeking through the trees into our little apartment so that I will be prepared, I will not be perfect. And God's okay with that.

I proudly made quesadillas tonight for dinner. I've cooked dinner twice in the past 2 weeks. Am I failure as a wife? The former me would say yes, you awful wife who can't even make time to make food for your loving husband who does so much for you. How dare you forget to sweep and mop those hardwood floors and scrub the bathtub once a week and keep the toothpaste from caking onto the bathroom sink?! The former me (and sometimes, the current me) likes to say that I need to have everything together, sing happy songs with my first graders all day, have a budding social life, and have a gourmet dinner on the table by the time my husband gets home at 6:30. Ha... when I write it out it seems so silly, but isn't that what the picture-Pinterest-perfect woman does?!

Maybe that's what we're supposed to look like when we create an image of ourselves online. Maybe we can fool everyone on Facebook and blogs (and Twitter and Instagram and... there are way too many social media sites...) into thinking that every single day of our lives run perfectly and happily. But God knows better, and you darn well know better. He knows that you've had a rough day. He sees the pile of clothes you've been accumulating in your closet, even when the rest of your bedroom looks nice and clean (guilty guilty). He sees the number of sad/boring/difficult times you have that may often far outweigh the happy moments we celebrate on the outside. And He most definitely knows when I'm scared to death to begin my first day of solo teaching tomorrow. AND HE STILL LOVES ME.

I'm learning. I hate learning, but I love learning. As I've mentioned before, the tight and hard spaces we wedge through in order to find our way to a better understanding of Jesus are oh-so-worth it. Being vulnerable and a new, inexperienced teacher is good for me. It means learning to be teachable. It means learning to be humble. It means learning I am not perfect. It means learning to lean on Christ's strength. It means learning to love my husband in new and creative ways.

It means learning that going for a weekend trip to Chi-town with great friends in the smack middle of student teaching is sometimes not entirely wise but extremely refreshing:



And I'm thankful that I'm learning.

Why I'm not like "her"

You've seen her.

She's the woman who seemingly has everything- an adoring husband and beautiful children, a spectacular house with unique style and initiative enough to pull off an immaculate interior, perfect clothes and perfect hair, and enough money to pay for whatever interests her. And everyone is always telling her that she looks like a model. Every person has a "her," and the "her" is the subject of many pitiful comparisons.

Hannah of the Bible wasn't the "her," but she lived with one who was completely obnoxious about it. In fact, she even shared "her" husband. While the other wife had many sons- the pride & credibility of an Israelite woman- Hannah lived for years as a barren wife. She had nothing, yet she finds that she possesses everything.

1 Samuel 1-2 tells the sweet story of how Hannah, in bitter despair, cried out to the Lord to grant her a child. After painful prayers, endless tears, and hopeless comparisons to "the other wife," the Lord granted her desperate plea. Hannah dedicated her son Samuel to the Lord's temple, and she left him there to serve Him for his entire life.

Although I am humbled and convicted to hear of the sacrifice of her only, God-given son, I am most comforted and blessed to hear Hannah's prayer after dedicating Samuel. Rather than simply thanking her Father for the blessing of a son and rejoicing in His provision, she praises Him for teaching her a lesson throughout the whole process.

“The bows of the warriors are broken,
but those who stumbled are armed with strength.
 Those who were full hire themselves out for food,
but those who were hungry are hungry no more.
She who was barren has borne seven children,
but she who has had many sons pines away." (2:4-5)

I'm not saying that the "her" is not blessed. I'm not saying that those with a beautiful body and perfect home (all according to the world's standards, of course) cannot have a beautiful relationship with Christ. But how can we learn of God's strength and fulfillment unless we become weak and empty?

Because of her barrenness, Hannah learned to rely on the Lord for her provision. How could she learn to rely if she already had many sons? She cried out so fiercely to the Lord that the priest thought she was drunk! Because Hannah did not have what she felt she was entitled to, she learned that the Lord was everything she needed. And as a result, when she was given the things she once thought she was entitled to, she eagerly and willingly gave it back to the Lord.

"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord." (1:27-28)

Think about what your life would really be like if you had absolutely everything you ever wanted... or even the things you felt like you needed. If you were given a husband, children, a beautiful home, lots of money, perfect academic abilities, lots of energy, and lots of friends, would you have a need for God?

Those who stumbled are now armed with strength when they find that the Lord is their refuge. Those who were hungry were fed Daily Bread and Living Water. Those who were barren found their fulfillment in their Heavenly Father, and He granted them blessings from their faithfulness.

What is it that you think you really need? I can think of a thousand different things, including a more flexible budget. I want an income and budget like "her." But instead of grieving the things I don't have, I choose to stop comparing and delight in the lessons that I am learning in this season- and one of the greatest lessons I have learned is that Jesus is enough. That tight budget is a blessing!

New name, new address, new blog, etc.

Let it be noted that my blog has changed addresses. But it's temporary- the lameness and un-originality of my blog domain makes me cringe.

Let it also be noted that we have survived one whole month of marriage! That's right, everyone- 4 weeks of wedded bliss have gone by and it feels like it has only been 4 days. Since becoming husband & wife, I have learned that I have a long way to go in the cooking realm, D is an awesome encourager, D sheds like a dog, I need to learn to drive a stick, and there is no better feeling than being able to say "good night" rather than "good bye" every single day.

Marriage is more than I could have asked for but scarier than I ever could have imagined. I have absolutely.no.earthly.idea what I am doing, and the role of "wife" still makes me shake in my boots. I have never felt so incompetent for a task in my life. But you know what? This feeling of incompetence and weakness has served to let me fall into the grace of a God who will equip me for every single good work that I need as a wife. And it's very freeing, this grace-full way of living. When I feel like a failure, He picks me up and brushes me off and juices me up to live another day on His strength. And He puts D in front of my face to tell me that he loves me despite my failures.

I love being D's wife. And I'm thankful that God is using this season to teach me more than I ever wanted to learn... even if it means plucking me out of the familiar and comfortable in order to learn those truths. Yay for marriage!

Simplicity with a side of Joy

You know how I just posted yesterday about power walking? And how slow it was? And how bored I got? Well, today I am sore. Very sore. And so I sit on my bed, sprawled out and sore, working on my online class by researching ESL blogs and listening to podcasts out the wazoo. I couldn't love my academic career more, really. It's tough and very time-consuming, but you know you picked your major right when you love doing the homework.

(don't quote me on that, because I very often do not enjoy the homework.)

I found this video while perusing a blog that provides ideas/activities for teaching ESL through music- and I was so impressed/entertained/dying to be a part of something like that:

http://play.dipdive.com/i/76361

I am daily learning that, if I will only slow down and quiet my heart, the Lord will speak marvelous wonders to me about His grace and provision. He provides joy in the mundane daily tasks. He provides love in the moments of failure. He provides grace for the girl who can't do it all on her own but still tries so very hard to. I'm learning, slowly, and He is speaking, profoundly.

Simplicity of grace

Sometimes I just try so hard to be something. I try hard to be a good person, a good teacher, a good leader, a good friend, in good shape, and to have a good appearance. Trying hard is exhausting.

This morning, I shoved on my running shoes and attempted to increase my heart rate for the first time since before foot surgery. With everything inside of me, I wanted to sprint off into the distance at breakneck speed. 7 weeks of pent-up energy was scratching at the cage, roaring to be released! But alas, my swollen feet could only handle a few milliseconds of jogging... so I slowed my pace and resorted to a strange-looking power walk. Strange memories of high school Health class, power walking in place, came to mind. Then the frustrations came.

"I just want to run!" "This is such a slow pace." "I'm bored." "My feet hurt."

But as my muscles grew tighter and my scars brought reminders of the reason I wasn't running, I began to understand the concept of patience... and God's way of teaching me to rely on Him.

"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." -Psalm 27:14

As I power walked, I began to notice things about that road which I had never noticed before. For the fast-paced runner, the scenery is rather "eh." Semi trucks, truck stops, gas stations, and chain-link fences. But when the runner slows down to a walk, she begins to notice things beyond the surface- things like squirrels climbing trees in the middle of the winter and the precious old lady who lives across the apartment complex. Simplicity.

In my pursuit of understanding grace, I've found the simplicity in letting God catch the falling and failing things. If it slips through my fingers, He reaches towards it and lifts it back up to me. And sometimes He even places something that I didn't even know I wanted right into the palm of my hand.

Grace for the Wretch

I've read the Bible, read all kinds of books, and sang all kinds of songs, but after 12 years of following Christ I am just now realizing that I have no clue what God's grace actually means. Quite honestly, I sang "Hallelujah, grace like rain falls down on me" with a bit of confusion... or maybe I just brushed it under the rug by reminding myself of the familiar phrase "we're saved by grace." I'm not really sure. And don't even get me started on "Amazing Grace"- my hard heart sang the song just because it sounded good, but it seemed to be just a song for people who got it horribly wrong for the first 25 years of their life then suddenly came to Jesus after a dramatic encounter with Him. Apparently "a wretch like me" who was saved by amazing grace was not a description of a wretch like me.

I've been through the valley of questioning my faith, and I came out of the valley with an assurance that Christ has a hold on my heart forever. But now that my faith has been refined, He is testing my heart and prodding me to let go of a life of trying to live without His grace.

The breaking and healing process cultivates a fragile heart. As I learn that I live and breathe by God's grace, my heart is weakened when I face the first testing moment. Without my mask of strength and I-can-do-it-by-myself, I feel inadequate. I feel like I am not enough. Not enough to represent Christ to a sweet but unbelieving friend. Not enough to finish my schoolwork with excellence. Not enough to be a good encourager for my hardworking fiance. Not enough to train up a group of young girls in the way they should go. I am not enough.

But that is exactly the point.

"And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work." -2 Cor. 9:8

In Christ, I have all that I need to share Christ with my sweet friend. In Christ, I have all that I need to finish my schoolwork with excellence. Christ will give me all that I need to encourage my fiance in abundance. And He certainly is enough and will equip me with enough to be able to minister to my girls.

"For when I am weak, then I am strong." -2 Cor. 12:10

My heart is still fragile and humble and weak, but isn't that the best place to be in order to find His strength?

Comments and complaints

Another week flies by, and I wonder where it went. It would be so easy to complain right now- to blubber on about time management and hard classes and wanting to be more social- but we all hear that every day from everyone. I'm tired of giving the "I'm so busy" spiel, asking for sympathy from everyone else who is just as busy as I am. I'm tired of making excuses for slacking off in being intentional, for "not having time" to spend with the Lord in the mornings, and for being in a bad mood. I am fully convinced that Satan packs our schedules so that we will forget to find joy in the small things that God gives us... and he's slowly chipping me apart.

The great news is that, although I often forget about the Lord while I'm wallowing away in my mounds of lesson plans and English homework, He has never forgotten about me. Even when I realize that I haven't made a visit to my sweet African refugee family in 2 months, and I have been less than intentional with my sweet international friends, He gives me grace to find the time in my schedule to make it up the next week. I fail every day, but He picks me back up... every single time!

"And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work." -2 Cor. 9:8

His grace can abound to me even during the busiest of seasons. His grace allows me to get through a semester of classes with a strength that I know cannot come from myself- it comes from Him alone. Despite everything that demands my time and attention, He carries me through it and equips me with exactly what I need to get through each day and glorify Him in the process!

Let's not forget why we're here on earth in the first place... and taking life day by day will gain a lot more intentionality and purpose. I'm so thankful for grace.

Only by Grace

"When you have no vision from God, no enthusiasm left in your life, and no one watching and encouraging you, it requires the grace of Almighty God to take the next step in your devotion to Him, in the reading and studying of His Word, in your family life, or in your duty to Him. . . the only way to live an undefeated life is to live looking to God." -Oswald Chambers

When all that is in me desires to run from God; when I find no joy in serving or loving or sharing or spending time with the Almighty; when I only want to feel once again... look to the Lord and pray for grace. Only God can sustain my spirit and my soul, giving me joy and determination to serve.

"Restore to me the joy of Your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me." -Psalm 51:12

Thank You, Father, for daily grace.

You cannot make your own heart beat

This woman gives an incredible and bold testimony before politicians about God's grace and the horrors of abortion... it is so worth watching!

PS, don't mind the European subtitles :)


Gianna Jessen, abortion survivor