Before You Doubt

She bites her lip. Frozen, her eyes lock on every single red car that could possibly be hers. Will today be the day that she's left behind? I see the familiar, frightened face and pat her on the back. "Have they ever let you down?" I say. "Someone is always here to pick you up after school; sometimes they just don't come as early as you expect." She glances my way, nervous and unsure, and a tear slips down her face. I've seen this look so many times before. Since the first day of school, she has questioned whether or not her family will be there to pick her up from Car Rider line, and every day they have shown up for their precious daughter. They would never forget their sweet girl.

I could become frustrated with her perpetual doubt, but I can't do that. Doubt is too familiar to me. Sometimes I stare out my classroom window, frozen and afraid, wondering if I was truly made to succeed at my job. If the Lord really wanted me to be placed in a wonderful school to follow the work of an excellent teacher working with students who have incredible potential. I glance around new places, uncertain, as I meet new people and struggle to fit in to the life of a post-college-newlywed in a new-ish town. Will God truly be there for me and provide for me and comfort me?

And all the while, He looks down from Heaven and whispers in my ear "Emily, have I ever let you down?"
Well, Lord, not really.

Glance back and remember how He's been faithful and you'll wish you never doubted. Remember all those times when He provided and comforted and blessed and loved... and all those worries will quickly wash away. Sure, the doubt will disappear when He miraculously rounds the corner in His red car right after the school bell rings, and we can skip happily to the car, but until then He wants us to trust that He'll be there in the just-right timing.

"What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived-- the things God has prepared for those who love him-- these are the things God has revealed to us by His Spirit." -1 Cor. 2:9-10

On Asking and Receiving

"Great is Thy faithfulness . . . all I have needed, Thy hand hath provided." -Thomas Chisholm

I dug deep in my pockets for the skills that I needed to land a job in this new town. It didn't matter what job it was-- any job would do-- as long as we could afford to get my sweet, hardworking husband through PT school with no debt. And so we could afford to keep living, too. As I drew my hands out of my pockets, nothing came with them. I had nothing to give. I had only the hope that the Lord would provide for our most basic needs. And He did, with "blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!"

He does not promise the greatest luxuries or satisfy our selfish entitlements. He provides our every need, but He also delights to give good things to His children when they ask for them.

"Everyone who asks receives..." (Matt. 7:8)

I love how Chambers says it. He always has such a way of writing out my heart.

"This does not mean that you will not get if you do not ask, but it means that until you come to the point of asking, you will not receive from God . . . until you comprehend and appreciate mentally, morally, and with spiritual understanding, that these things come from God." (Chambers, "Then What's Next to Do?")

Huh. Tough truth for a self-motivated, determined college grad with lots of ideas about how she thinks she can change her little world. Yet it makes sense... how can I give Him glory unless I acknowledge it as a gift from Him?

There are still things that I ask of Him that He does not give me**. He knows I earnestly long for few things-- things that can only come as a gift, that I can't pull out of thin air-- yet He withholds them from me out of love. I still don't get it, but I'm learning. All I know is that "all I have needed, [His] hand hath provided."

And do I really need more than what the Provider knows I need?

___________________

**I have learned a lot of wisdom and encouragement on this topic from John Piper's series "What Do Answers to Prayer Depend On?" which you can look at here and here.

Fruit. The non-edible kind.

Today was my mid-term assessment for student teaching, which means my journey is almost halfway complete. Halfway complete. I couldn't believe myself when I told those crazy first-graders that tomorrow will be my last day in their class. I'm actually kind of sad, and yet I can't wait to see what I will be learning in my next placement!

September held lots of exciting and wonderful things, such as letting the laundry pile up on our couch. Let this be an example of what our humble home-apartment has looked like ever since I began student teaching:

I also received a copy last week of the newly published children's book that I helped to edit last semester (!!!):

To top it all off, yet ANOTHER editing piece that I worked on last semester finally made it through the committees and ranks and will be published as an article in an academic journal! I'm not really that smart, I just really like telling people when they spell something wrong or use a comma too often I guess.

Student teaching has had its fair share of stressful moments. That is definitely for sure. I'm learning to embrace the stress and turn it into opportunities to give myself grace, receive grace from my Father, and willingly accept that I'm not perfect. And y'all, I LOVE WHAT I DO. Although I'm working on learning to love the late nights/early mornings, daily "failures," imperfections, outrageous kids who have serious issues, frustrating moments, and parents who don't care as much as I think they should, I love teaching my students each day and I am thrilled to watch them progress through the journey of a school year. I love it. Maybe I'm being too optimistic and naive, but it is incredible to get to this point in my collegiate journey and feel so in-touch with the gifts and abilities God has given me. If we're all uniquely crafted by our Maker to do certain things with excellence and passion, shouldn't we do it with gusto? In a world of people who are still trying to figure out "what to do" with their lives, I'm thankful for a season where I feel useful and completely at peace. I'm thankful that the Lord has cut out a path for me and shown it plainly. For this season, in this moment, I love doing what I do. I love being a wife to D and a teacher to 27 needy and tiny kids. I love being able to develop myself as a professional through writing, editing, and working with words. Waiting for all of that to happen was worth it. The wait was long and it was so often very hard, but this sweet season has been one worth waiting for.

If my junior-in-college self read this post written by another person, my junior-in-college self probably would have felt really bitter and angry. "Why can't I just be there? I'm so tired of the awful stuff that doesn't even matter. Let's just skip to student teaching. I am so tired of waiting and working and wailing over busy work and craziness. And I want a husband." That's what I'd say. But oh, junior-in-college self.... the wait really is worth it. It builds character and makes you realize how much you actually want it. And it helps you give a whole lot of worry and weariness and impatience over to King Jesus. So freshen up and bite the bullet, buddy. You WILL see fruit for your labor. And PS- student teaching & marriage have issues of their own, so let everything work out in its own time. Enjoy eating the same meal for days without worrying about your husband scarfing it all down.

...Someone remind me that I wrote this post one day when I'm fuming and frustrated about teaching all day on only 3 hours of sleep. Really.

For Tomorrow

It's that time again- time to tell a friend I can't hang out because I have homework, time to print the syllabi, time to meet new students. Time to get on with the rest of my life. Rather than complaining about the start of a new semester, I'm taking comfort in these familiar things... but I'm learning that we don't find trust when we're surrounded by the familiar. When everything around me is oh-so-familiar and the norm for me, I forget to lean on God.
When the path ahead is predictable and level, I walk confidently. I need no guide.

What happens when I face a road block? When I'm faced with a new path? When I only see the unpredictable?

"Fear not tomorrow, God is already there."

These past few months have held so many unknowns. So many wonderings and wanderings. So many "what if"s and "where will we go?"s and "why"s. I've done my share of worrying and dreading, but today I release them all to the One who has plans for me. His plans are for us to prosper. His plans include hope and a future. His plans are never meant to harm me. (Jer. 29:11) His plans, although so very different from my own, work together for His good. I am called according to His purpose, therefore I will live for His purposes. (Rom. 8:28)

When the familiar is gone and the unknown is ahead, I find myself falling and trusting that the Lord will carry me on. And He carries me to places I never could have asked for or imagined. (Eph. 3:20)

When I only wrote to my husband

I have never been so inconsistent in keeping up with my blog, but I'll attribute the deserted posts to the fact that we haven't had Internet in our home since we moved in. Blogging takes a back seat when precious Internet time is spent checking oh-so-important emails at the closest coffee shop. And it's annoying.

It seems like I have spent a lot of the past year wanting and waiting for a lot of things. In the middle of Dahl Wedding chaos, my heart held desires for so many things that I could do nothing but wait for. And even now, as a married couple we wait for more.

Financial security.

A teaching job, come January.

Elimination of massive loans.

Travel across the ocean to reach lost hearts.

Direction.

With every family, couple, or individual who passes by and gains the things we so long to have, my heart can't help but plant seeds of jealousy and want. But, as He usually does, the Lord calls my yearning heart toward something better. He reminds me that He is teaching us something through the wants and the waits.

This morning I found a box that held hundreds of pages of wanting and waiting. I called it my "Forever Box," and it came to me a long time ago when my grandparents bought a coat from Forever21 and gave it to me in the box. Rather than throwing the sturdy box away, I used it to begin storing letters and momentos for my future husband... the man who is now my husband.

I wrote the first letter to my future husband when I was just 15. It was innocent, pure, and now extremely embarrassing (apparently text-talk was cool to write on paper in 2005), but it promised my husband that I was committed to waiting for him. For 7 more years, I wrote pages and pages of letters sharing with my husband and with Jesus just how excited or anxious I was about meeting my husband and staying disciplined enough to be committed to purity. Somehow, these letters and journals helped give my longing heart something to cling to because I knew that the Lord would one day provide what I wanted so badly. And if He did not provide a husband, I knew that I could be content because He had been with me through the whole waiting process and I needed no one else. When my heart gravitated toward other boys, and even when I dated D, I tried to keep my heart fixed on the man the Lord had planned for me through the contents of that little box. My waiting and wanting became subject to the Lord's plans, timing, and ultimate will. Only His.

On our wedding day, D opened the box I had reserved for him. I wish so much that I had been able to see him open it, but I think the box encouraged and lifted MY heart more than  his because of the journey I traveled to get that box into his hands! Because I was willing to wait and put all my wants in Christ, He showed me how joyful life can be if we are completely satisfied in Him. He showed me that I don't need a husband in order to be satisfied. As D read the letters from a 15- and 17-year-old Emily in the Dallas airport on the way to our honeymoon, I covered my face with my hands in embarrassment and cried in thankfulness. The Lord listened to my yearning heart and, in wisdom, waited until I had learned the lessons He had in store for me. And I am thankful.

God has always, always, always known what is best for us. He knows the right time, the right person, the best situations, and the perfect place for every.single.one.of.us. He knew that D would be the husband I wrote to for years, and He knew that our lives would look nothing like we had ever planned. He knows why we are in Louisville, looking for jobs that we never thought we'd want to do and budgeting tighter than we ever thought we'd need. He knows, and He wants us to wait to understand why on Earth we are just now finding these interesting changes of events. And He reminds me that He is sovereign over all of it by showing me journals that I wrote while waiting for my future husband.

So the only waiting that I'll keep complaining about is waiting for my hair to dry- it takes 4 hours, people.

Waiting.

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God . . . He will not grow tired or weary, and His understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak." -Isaiah 40:28-29

"The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still." -Exodus 14:14

Today I am reminded that we are not made for this world. He gives us gifts daily, which remind us that Heaven will soon be our home. But for now, I pray that I will raise my head in attention, searching for how I might worship Him here on Earth as I wait.

I love Charlie Hall's "Come for Me." You should listen to the words and long for the sweetness of Christ's presence in Heaven.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z09vO1f_a8I]

Am I really going to Africa?

"Thank you for your patience"- ironic words, after hearing them for the 89th time in 20 minutes. I'll admit, if I hear them for the 90th time then I may throw my phone against the wall and give up. The quest to establish a rescheduled flight to Africa has been going on since the day we scheduled a flight in January, and for some reason it has been the most difficult experience of my life. I've talked with more than my fair share of customer service representatives, been given multiple empty promises of callbacks, and hung up with defeat at least ten times. I am tired of trying to get to Africa.

My nerves have been on edge since that day, back in January, when I called to find out just what was going on with our schedule changes. And I think the straw finally just about broke the camel's back this morning when, for what seemed like the millionth time, the courteous customer service representative said "we will call you back in the next 1-2 days." I melted. Although my insides were screaming for my tongue to lash out at the poor guy, I held it all together and warned that they need to call back by tomorrow. Friends, we just want our schedule, and we just want to be able to get our visa so that we can just get to Africa! Obviously the Lord is trying to teach me something... maybe peace and patience?

You'd think I would have learned the first time. 2 years ago, I sat on the edge of my seat, chomping at the bit to get my visa in order to jet out to Indonesia... and 2 days before leaving, it arrived. 2 days! I remember calling the Indonesian Embassy a crazy amount of times in a 24-hour period, begging them to get moving on the process. Sound familiar?

"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in You." -Isaiah 26:3

Although I can't seem to make myself calm down, chill out, and have patience, I've got to learn. I want to trust in the Lord, who will send us to Africa if that's what He wants. He provides for all of our needs, and He can provide a flight for us. All I can think to do is pray a rebellious prayer, hoping that He will teach me to bend my rusty knees in submission and complete trust. Lord, make my mind steadfast.

Standing firm

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." -Galatians 5:1

"For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope- the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good." -Titus 2:11-14

This morning, I feel burdened by the yoke of sin and temptation. Just when you think sin has defeated you, or if you grow tired of standing firm, remember that Christ has set you free from the penalty, power, and presence of sin. Although we will always battle temptation, salvation gives us strength & eagerness to say "No" to sin! I'd rather not be burdened by a yoke upon my neck... it is for freedom that Christ has set us free! My prayer is that Christ will grant me the discipline I need to make the most of my salvation. He has given me the ability to be free, now I must eagerly commit.

"Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand." -Ephesians 6:13

I'm going to be a wife?!

The past 3 days have been an absolute whirlwind because I am ENGAGED to an incredible man (who will soon be my husband!!)!!! Wow. After days of staring at my ring and re-telling the precious story, I am still having difficulty letting it sink in that I will be a wife in just a little over a year. It's been great to talk with family & friends about the exciting moment Saturday night, but I have had little time to just sit and let it all become real in my mind!

Although D certainly surprised me, I shouldn't have been shocked. My relationship with the Lord has been in a "waiting" stage, just waiting for understanding and clarity. The Lord brought Scripture to my attention that commanded my whole life- marriage, family, friendships, agenda, everything- and He challenged me to think about what things I clench in my hands too firmly. So often (a.k.a. all the time) I hold fast to the hope of being a mother or teacher or having "me" time on the weekends or getting plenty of time to sleep- and I forget that Christ gave all, so He asks for all of us! To "sacrifice" means to give up something that we love, something that means a lot to us. Abraham, after all, was asked to sacrifice his only son Isaac.

I struggled with the affections of my heart for a while. Was my heart knitted closer to God or to man? Which would I be willing to give up, if given the opportunity or command? How often each day do I truly die to my own desires? Christ asks all. He took me on an incredible journey to realizing how important Jesus should be in my life, and I fell in love with Him all over again. He gently disciplined his daughter, asking for radical faith that produces obedience. He brought 1 Corinthians 7:34-35 to my attention, encouraging me to change my outlook on submitting to God's plans:

"An unmarried woman is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world- how she can please her husband."

I realized that I cannot create my own plans for my life, labeling them as "God's Will." The comfortable thing is not always God's thing. I prayed, sought counsel, and attempted to seek the Lord's guidance. Jim Elliot's prayer rung true in my heart- "I am willing that 'my house on earth be emptier,' but not unless 'His house be fuller.'" Waiting for understanding and a word from the Lord nearly killed me- I thought about it hourly! His answer to my prayers was quite different from what I was expecting...

I was expecting and praying for a definite answer. A clear "YES" or a clear "NO." Would I serve the Lord greatest with a husband and family, or with an adopted family of believers? How will His Kingdom be best advanced through me? My cry was "the Lord will fulfill His purpose for me; Your love, O Lord, endures forever- do not abandon the works of Your hands!" (Ps. 138:8) Rather than answering with yes or no, He told me to WAIT. After long weeks of crying out and seeking to have more faith, desperately longing for an answer, I found that the Lord quieted my soul with the gentle command to wait for understanding. Oswald Chambers says "living a life of faith . . . is literally a life of faith, not of understanding & reason- a life of knowing Him who calls us to go." So I waited, in the meantime learning to love Him despite a lingering revelation.

I'm thankful to say that He revealed His purpose to me through a cute boy giving a sweet proposal on Saturday night. Although I do not have absolute assurance of that wedding day arriving (James 4:13-15), Lord-willing I will soon be a wife for a man who uplifts and encourages me to love & serve Jesus more. As Abraham was given his son's life after raising his hand to murder & sacrifice Isaac, the Lord gave me D once I sacrificed the option of marriage (but only if it meant serving more effectively as a single woman).

The Lord is good, and He promises to provide for us. He asks for all of us, but He also delights to do good for His children:

"I will give them singleness of heart and action, so they will always fear me for their own good... I will never stop doing good to them... I will rejoice in doing them good and will assuredly plant them in this land with all my heart and soul." -Jeremiah 32:39-41

I am so thankful for the assurance and rest my soul has felt in the last few days- I have waited on the Lord, and He has answered! "Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you." (Ps 116:7) My prayer today is that I would keep singleness of heart, wholly devoted to Christ while also serving my future husband. I pray that Christ really will be glorified so much more through our future marriage than He would have been through us walking down separate paths. I never, ever want to cling too tightly to the things of this world- and I will continue to live a life of faith- not of understanding, but a life of knowing Christ. And He is well worth getting to know :)

What are your hands holding firmly, that the Lord might ask you to give up for His sake? He gave all, He asks all. I'm still learning this.

And so I wait.

Back when I was ambitious and in shape my freshman year, I spent a fair part of the early mornings weaving through streets on an excruciating run with good friends. I say excruciating because my joints just aren't quite up to par for running extended amounts of time... and I learned that quickly. But it was in those early mornings, as we breathlessly took off in the frigid air through quiet streets, we saw the first peek of dawn. We donned our gloves and leggings as darkness lingered, and returned with the bright sun shining just above the horizon.

I love those early mornings, when the rare and valuable calm of dawn hang around for just a fleeting moment. It's when people walk their dogs, coffee-drinkers juice up for the day, and the world wakes up. This small blip in time, which lasts only about an hour, teems with promise and holds an enormous amount of potential. After all, it's a new day- what will it hold? I've taken quite a fancy to waking up before the dawn so I can  enjoy the calmness of the moment and prepare for the day ahead. No one will bother me, I am sure of that, and I can have focused time on whatever I want! Some days I wish the dawn would last a little longer, and other days I am more than ready for the day to steam on ahead.

But what if the dawn seems to last longer than we want? Kind of an odd concept to grasp. What if the dawn, the verge of endless potential and breakthrough, lasted a little longer than you wished or expected?

I've been waiting on the fogginess of dawn to lift for some time. Although my life was shrouded with darkness for a time, in which I felt separated from God (but He never left me!), the dawn finally came. Though foggy and still holding traces of the evening shadows, the Lord brought forth bursts of sunlight and newness to my relationship with Him! I could see my sin clearly, and He helped me to eradicate it. He caused me to fall in love with Him all over again.

But I feel as though I am still waiting at dawn- not yet ready to go forth with my duties of the day, but more than willing. I am waiting on His word to "go" and "do" and "serve." It is as if the clock chiming 8 o'clock has been stuck at 7:59, and can't seem to move. I am learning more than I ever have, and I am hearing so many words from Him, but they are still undistinguished and honestly a little confusing. I have much to learn, and I wait with an expectant ear perked toward the sound of His voice. "Our hearts are restless 'til they rest in Thee," says Augustine, and I agree.

I do not know what the day will bring. I hope to run and not grow weary, and I hope to run the race of the day with endurance. But right now, I feel as though God wants me to wait on something- waiting expectantly and patiently. In the meantime, I will pursue this unknown God with a stronger desire than ever before- undistracted, because that's what it's like in the calmness of the dawn.

I've posted this poem before, but it's worth sharing again.

Waiting by S.D. Gordon

Steadfastness, that is, holding on
Patience, that is, holding back
Expectancy, that is, holding the face up
Obedience, that is, holding one's self in readiness to go or do
Listening, that is, holding quiet & still, so as to hear
How long, Lord, must I wait?
"Never mind, child. Trust me."

A good date gone wrong?

I just got back from a date with myself at Starbucks... which seems kind of weird, seeing as today was technically the first day back from Spring Break. But it was fitting- I snagged the corner table, where I could still have enough light to read my Bible but be snuggled away enough to pray while watching the rain- it was perfect.

...except that I left the place terribly confused and not extremely happy with God. I walked in hoping for some divine inspiration and sweet time with Him, and left wishing I had never opened my Bible in the first place.

So what was getting me all riled up? It was the fact that I just didn't understand, I wasn't getting any answers to my questions, and not everything is going to make sense all the time. To sum it all up, I'm frustrated that I'm not all-knowing. How can I know where God wants me to go and what He wants me to do and how He wants me to live my life "if I am clogged with wishes of my own" and unable to discern what would delight Him most? And how can I tell if my motives are pure? Am I being prideful? Basically, my obsession with understanding my place on Earth has caused me to demand from God instant insight about all aspects & details of my life.

I understand my plight. With complete understanding, we would hardly feel the need for an all-knowing and loving God. Without a loving God, leading us when we don't understand, we would wander aimlessly. I find it to be like walking through thick, incessant fog- I cannot see more than 1 or 2 steps in front of me. Until God lifts the fog, I have three choices- 1) to stop walking and curl up in a ball, waiting for the fog to just go away, 2) to continue walking, but groping at the air in hopes of avoiding any wrong path or obstacles (like a tree- ouch), OR 3) to continue walking by listening to His voice and commands. I've been living according to the second option- pushing myself forward in blindness and self-confidence. This gets me nowhere. It would be much easier to walk according to the third option- listening and obeying. Although his voice may linger, wait for it- His voice and understanding are revealed at just the right time (Hab 2:3). We must have humility in this, because He's the only all-seeing one who actually knows what's going on- you're just a blind fool in dense fog.

Maybe I should think about asking Him humbly for understanding, then wait patiently for a response... and maybe that Starbucks date wasn't so useless, after all.