Before You Doubt

She bites her lip. Frozen, her eyes lock on every single red car that could possibly be hers. Will today be the day that she's left behind? I see the familiar, frightened face and pat her on the back. "Have they ever let you down?" I say. "Someone is always here to pick you up after school; sometimes they just don't come as early as you expect." She glances my way, nervous and unsure, and a tear slips down her face. I've seen this look so many times before. Since the first day of school, she has questioned whether or not her family will be there to pick her up from Car Rider line, and every day they have shown up for their precious daughter. They would never forget their sweet girl.

I could become frustrated with her perpetual doubt, but I can't do that. Doubt is too familiar to me. Sometimes I stare out my classroom window, frozen and afraid, wondering if I was truly made to succeed at my job. If the Lord really wanted me to be placed in a wonderful school to follow the work of an excellent teacher working with students who have incredible potential. I glance around new places, uncertain, as I meet new people and struggle to fit in to the life of a post-college-newlywed in a new-ish town. Will God truly be there for me and provide for me and comfort me?

And all the while, He looks down from Heaven and whispers in my ear "Emily, have I ever let you down?"
Well, Lord, not really.

Glance back and remember how He's been faithful and you'll wish you never doubted. Remember all those times when He provided and comforted and blessed and loved... and all those worries will quickly wash away. Sure, the doubt will disappear when He miraculously rounds the corner in His red car right after the school bell rings, and we can skip happily to the car, but until then He wants us to trust that He'll be there in the just-right timing.

"What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived-- the things God has prepared for those who love him-- these are the things God has revealed to us by His Spirit." -1 Cor. 2:9-10

Why God is the Perfect Date (and I'm not)

Have I ever told you about our first Valentine's Day as a married couple? Probably not, because I made it pretty awful for both of us. To my credit, I had spent a whole day subbing for an inner-city kindergarten class on one of the craziest school days of the year-- attempting to coordinate the exchange of cards and settling down 28 unfamiliar kids on a sugar high-- but my mood wasn't exactly the one you wanted around for the Day of Love. As always, D was kind and loving, but I was moody and acting weird and not being very appreciative of the awesome dinner he made and the thoughtful gift he surprised me with. Feelings were hurt. Hearts were definitely not nurtured. My moodiness definitely reigned on.

Wouldn't it be nice if we were all stable, calm, thoughtful people who did not act on whims of emotion or harbored bitterness? Our relationships would look a lot more peaceful; forgiveness would be simple; unconditional love would be effortless.

I know no one who is so predictable.

"The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will He harbor His anger forever. He does not treat us as our sins deserve, or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His love for those who fear Him. As far as the EAST is from the WEST..." -Ps. 103:8-12ish

I'm thankful for a God who is not moody, indecisive, or unpredictable. He doesn't act on a whim of emotion or harbor any bitterness-- rather, He LOVES and does everything for us consistently out of LOVE. What human do I know that remains the same, even in emotion? What man is predictable by nature, 100% of the time? None! He'd be the perfect date; an even better husband. He is the same everyday, regardless of how I hurt Him or slay Him or ignore Him. He continues to be the same, loving God!

Why is this so difficult for us to comprehend? Why, although we know His predictable nature, do we continue to believe the lie that our sins will take away His love? He is not like any human-- His nature is unfathomable.

Praise Him in His predictability, and rest in the knowledge that He never, ever changes.

For the Beat-Up, Dress-Up Christian

Have you ever heard of a cotyledon?

No?

Neither had I, but apparently 3rd graders in Kentucky need to know what it is in relation to parts of a plant, and it's up to me to let them know all about it in science class.

I'm the worst science student who's married to a family of bio/chem students, and yet I'm expected to teach science content to the future scientists of America! I will admit that there were several times during student teaching when I had to research the content so that I could understand it enough to teach. And even then, I would be in the middle of a science lesson and get completely confused.

But I'm sure I learned all that stuff at some point in elementary school... right?

Being surrounded by Christianity practically my entire life, I've learned the basic building blocks of the Christian faith and totally have all 66 books of the Bible memorized. I've read, prayed, sang, learned, listened, recited, and applied the truths of the Bible millions of times in a thousand different ways for 20 years, yet there is always some new truth to learn or remember. And this is good, for it reminds me that the Bible is living AND active all the time.

I let Him take over my life at age 7, but somewhere along the way my Christian walk became more about "why can't I be more ____"s and "people will praise me if ____"s... until suddenly my walk wasn't about delighting in and serving Jesus. It was about serving others by trying to perfect myself.

When we forget those truths that we learned at the very beginning-- those about Christ dying to save our imperfect and dead souls so that we might live forever with Him as if we never sinned against Him-- Christianity becomes too much about an attempt at impressing others and, surprisingly, impressing the all-knowing God. And when they aren't impressed, we're crushed.

So how about we take a step back and remember some truths that we might have learned in elementary school?

"But because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions-- it is by grace you have been saved." -Eph. 2:4-5

Praise the good Lord that He is rich in mercy. Even when I was dead (that's the rotting-under-the-ground-and-rather-stinky kind of dead) in sin, He made me alive again (that's the vibrant-and-breathing-with-color-to-my-face kind of alive). He saved me because of grace-- NOT because I did everything right. And even today, I continue to be spiritually alive (and physically alive, I suppose) only because His grace lets me be.

I learned these verses earlier than I learned how to multiply. Why, then, do I keep living as if His grace depends on my action?

Just for a day or five, put down the fancy-shmancy Bible Study book and pick up, ya know, the Bible. Read the basic truths that you probably already have memorized, and read them until you actually read the words. Then let them sink in.


And in case you care, a cotyledon is the embryo of a plant as it grows into a seedling. And I'm sure that was a basic fact that I learned in elementary school. Yes.

Today.

I haven't blogged in a while. In fact, I haven't seen anyone other than my husband, my 3rd graders, and the staff at my school since my 2nd solo week began on Monday. I really can't believe that it's almost over and I will be heading to Ecuador NEXT. WEEK.

I've been filling my thoughts will skip counting songs that get stuck in my head and trying to figure out how to use my life as a tool for communicating His glory through beautiful means. I'm learning that the long days & nights of preparing and putting together 2 teaching portfolios (what exactly was I thinking?) is worth it simply because He is equipping me to serve Him better. It makes these nights where I feel burnt and sleeeeepy seem absolutely worth it. And makes me excited to go and giggle with my 3rd graders for one last day of solo teaching.

I'm holding on to the beauty of today, because the red leaves on the trees won't be here for long and my time with these kids is ending oh.so.soon.

Enjoy the beauty of Today, because one day it will be a cherished memory.

Confessions of a "Well-Planned Hoarder"

One of the biggest obstacles in our first few weeks (months?) of marriage was determining the standard for organization and cleanliness. I knew I was somewhat organized and liked to keep mold from growing in my living space, but there's something about sharing a bathroom and kitchen sink with a boy that seems to spotlight my high standards for a well-kept home. Since I am Mrs. Organization and am studying to be the facilitator of 20-something students under the age of 12 (also known as an elementary teacher), the battle with my new husband for an organized home was a bit more of a challenge. For example:

He said: "Where's the computer charger?"
She said: "In the box under the coffee table. It'll always be there, so you will always know where to find it."
He said: "Why would you do that? Just leave it plugged in the wall!"

I just can't handle something as ugly as a charger not having a "place" out of sight. Hence the box under the coffee table. But my manly husband doesn't understand why the plug has to be out of sight!

I've been dwelling a lot lately on the true importance of organization in my season of life and what it truly accomplishes. I like being organized because it helps me feel like my life is under control and running efficiently. But how much of our lives are dedicated to organizing?

This minimalist blog struck my heart in a freshly sharp way. Could organization become "well-planned hoarding"? Are we constantly in the business of getting our clutter together and out of sight? I'm not talking about a time organizer (like an agenda or calendar), I'm talking stuff. I had a breakdown last weekend because I couldn't find "a thing to wear" in the massive mounds of clothes that had stacked up inside my closet. Sound familiar? I dedicate at least 45 minutes each week to finding a place for all those clothes in our little apartment and single dresser. Perhaps what I need is less organizing skills and simply less.

I could use the time I spend re-organizing my messy and crammed clothes drawers doing much more productive things like serving my husband. Or doing my never-ending homework. And being content with just a few quality items in my closet, because all I need is less.

Do you agree? This is a difficult concept to adopt in a consumerist, there-is-never-enough era. I'm learning, and I'm mostly just tired of re-organizing my super-crammed closet all. the. time. The lesson learned is contentment and uprooting of the stuff I don't really need so I can spend my hours on the things that really mean a whole lot more. What is most worth your precious and fleeting time?

The Danger of Doing Something

The past few weeks, I've joined a friend in leading a small group Bible study for 9th grade girls. It's kind of like a flashback to last year, teaching the same age again. And I still love it.

We're going through Emily's book Graceful. I highly encourage you to check out her blog and read either of the two books she has written-- they were mind- and heart-shifting for me, the perfectionist and I-can-do-it-by-myself girl. I've learned a lot about grace, and I hope these sweet girls are learning, too.

This book has reminded me of a truth that I have tried to remind myself of daily: Doing vs. Believing. The danger of doing is the temptation to put a load on our shoulders of responsibility, guilt, and loneliness. The blessing of believing is freedom, trusting, and peace. Which would you rather have?

Way too many assignments are due at the same time.
What am I supposed to do?

Expectations were not met.
What am I supposed to do? 

The budget is tighter than your pants on Thanksgiving.
What am I supposed to do? 

Failure. Sickness. Death. Loneliness.
What am I supposed to do?  

The awesome D on our front door broke.
What am I supposed to do?

The D on our front door broke into 3 pieces, and so did my heart. Kind of. It was so nice to call our apartment "the one with the D on the door." But try as I might, that D wasn't getting fixed. So I trotted on over to Hobby Lobby and fixed myself a brand new fall wreath!

But some things just can't be "fixed." Have you ever noticed our desperate inclination to try to "fix" every situation that comes our way?? There are some parts of life that just can't be upcycled. As much as we want to, we can't DIY our problems to make them look better than they were before. We may attempt to put it all back together, or replace the problems with a cover-up smile while telling ourselves to "man up," but in the end the problem is still there.

The problem is still there because problems don't get fixed by little ol' us. Rather, a great, big GOD lifts our heads in the middle of the problem.

Suddenly, we stop trying to do something and start trying to believe something. We believe He is good. We believe He is in control.

Way too many assignments are due at the same time.
He is our Rock, a fortress in times of trouble. (Ps. 9:9)

Expectations were not met.
He is sufficient. (Phil. 4:19) 

The budget is tighter than your pants on Thanksgiving.
He is our Provider. (Phil. 4:19) 

Failure. Sickness. Death. Loneliness.
He has a beautiful plan in every tragedy. (2 Cor. 1:3-5, Jer. 29:11) 

I'm thankful that the burden is lifted. I'm not used to simply believing; I'm more of a hang-the-pretty-wreath-you-made-and-hide-your-problems-behind-the-door kind of girl. But the happy part? His grace is teaching me to simply believe instead of trying to do something myself. Because, really, anytime I try to "do something" about my problems... I end up letting myself down. But Christ does not give up on His sweet but oh-so-pathetic children!

What will you choose to believe?

I'm linking this post up with Gospel Homemaking for their Thrive at Home Weekly Linkup. Find lots more great bloggers by clicking here.

Provision

I'm sitting here, at 11:15 pm (way past my bedtime), finding myself extremely grateful. I am sitting in a wonderfully sweet little home with a husband sleeping upstairs and blueberry muffins baking for him to find in the morning (don't tell, it's a surprise). And I'm able to have a little bit of Emily time to read and blog with our newly-installed Internet!

We've been thrown a lot of different decisions and challenges in the last few months, but tonight I am grateful for the ways that the Lord has provided. He provides in the little things- bottles of conditioner, pictures from first graders, timely envelopes in the mail. At every turn and every expense, we meet our Provider face-to-face and can't find any reason to blame anything on coincidence. I am humbled to realize that He etched His plans for our lives into stone from the very beginning, and He has only good prepared for us. And in my opinion, marrying David Carl was one of the best parts of that plan, because I am able to journey through all of this together with him!

Slow down and notice- He provides little things every day. He provides tiny lunch breaks with my ever-wise supervising teacher so that I can rest and learn from someone who is way more experienced at handling 6-year-olds in the classroom. He provides Sunday afternoons so that I can spend time with my family and catch up on all the work I have for the following week. He provides just enough food so that we can eat healthfully and well until the next budget month. And even on limited funds, we are finding that we can truly live abundantly because of this great Provider.

And really, I wouldn't live this stage of life any other way.

For Tomorrow

It's that time again- time to tell a friend I can't hang out because I have homework, time to print the syllabi, time to meet new students. Time to get on with the rest of my life. Rather than complaining about the start of a new semester, I'm taking comfort in these familiar things... but I'm learning that we don't find trust when we're surrounded by the familiar. When everything around me is oh-so-familiar and the norm for me, I forget to lean on God.
When the path ahead is predictable and level, I walk confidently. I need no guide.

What happens when I face a road block? When I'm faced with a new path? When I only see the unpredictable?

"Fear not tomorrow, God is already there."

These past few months have held so many unknowns. So many wonderings and wanderings. So many "what if"s and "where will we go?"s and "why"s. I've done my share of worrying and dreading, but today I release them all to the One who has plans for me. His plans are for us to prosper. His plans include hope and a future. His plans are never meant to harm me. (Jer. 29:11) His plans, although so very different from my own, work together for His good. I am called according to His purpose, therefore I will live for His purposes. (Rom. 8:28)

When the familiar is gone and the unknown is ahead, I find myself falling and trusting that the Lord will carry me on. And He carries me to places I never could have asked for or imagined. (Eph. 3:20)

When I only wrote to my husband

I have never been so inconsistent in keeping up with my blog, but I'll attribute the deserted posts to the fact that we haven't had Internet in our home since we moved in. Blogging takes a back seat when precious Internet time is spent checking oh-so-important emails at the closest coffee shop. And it's annoying.

It seems like I have spent a lot of the past year wanting and waiting for a lot of things. In the middle of Dahl Wedding chaos, my heart held desires for so many things that I could do nothing but wait for. And even now, as a married couple we wait for more.

Financial security.

A teaching job, come January.

Elimination of massive loans.

Travel across the ocean to reach lost hearts.

Direction.

With every family, couple, or individual who passes by and gains the things we so long to have, my heart can't help but plant seeds of jealousy and want. But, as He usually does, the Lord calls my yearning heart toward something better. He reminds me that He is teaching us something through the wants and the waits.

This morning I found a box that held hundreds of pages of wanting and waiting. I called it my "Forever Box," and it came to me a long time ago when my grandparents bought a coat from Forever21 and gave it to me in the box. Rather than throwing the sturdy box away, I used it to begin storing letters and momentos for my future husband... the man who is now my husband.

I wrote the first letter to my future husband when I was just 15. It was innocent, pure, and now extremely embarrassing (apparently text-talk was cool to write on paper in 2005), but it promised my husband that I was committed to waiting for him. For 7 more years, I wrote pages and pages of letters sharing with my husband and with Jesus just how excited or anxious I was about meeting my husband and staying disciplined enough to be committed to purity. Somehow, these letters and journals helped give my longing heart something to cling to because I knew that the Lord would one day provide what I wanted so badly. And if He did not provide a husband, I knew that I could be content because He had been with me through the whole waiting process and I needed no one else. When my heart gravitated toward other boys, and even when I dated D, I tried to keep my heart fixed on the man the Lord had planned for me through the contents of that little box. My waiting and wanting became subject to the Lord's plans, timing, and ultimate will. Only His.

On our wedding day, D opened the box I had reserved for him. I wish so much that I had been able to see him open it, but I think the box encouraged and lifted MY heart more than  his because of the journey I traveled to get that box into his hands! Because I was willing to wait and put all my wants in Christ, He showed me how joyful life can be if we are completely satisfied in Him. He showed me that I don't need a husband in order to be satisfied. As D read the letters from a 15- and 17-year-old Emily in the Dallas airport on the way to our honeymoon, I covered my face with my hands in embarrassment and cried in thankfulness. The Lord listened to my yearning heart and, in wisdom, waited until I had learned the lessons He had in store for me. And I am thankful.

God has always, always, always known what is best for us. He knows the right time, the right person, the best situations, and the perfect place for every.single.one.of.us. He knew that D would be the husband I wrote to for years, and He knew that our lives would look nothing like we had ever planned. He knows why we are in Louisville, looking for jobs that we never thought we'd want to do and budgeting tighter than we ever thought we'd need. He knows, and He wants us to wait to understand why on Earth we are just now finding these interesting changes of events. And He reminds me that He is sovereign over all of it by showing me journals that I wrote while waiting for my future husband.

So the only waiting that I'll keep complaining about is waiting for my hair to dry- it takes 4 hours, people.

Why I'm not like "her"

You've seen her.

She's the woman who seemingly has everything- an adoring husband and beautiful children, a spectacular house with unique style and initiative enough to pull off an immaculate interior, perfect clothes and perfect hair, and enough money to pay for whatever interests her. And everyone is always telling her that she looks like a model. Every person has a "her," and the "her" is the subject of many pitiful comparisons.

Hannah of the Bible wasn't the "her," but she lived with one who was completely obnoxious about it. In fact, she even shared "her" husband. While the other wife had many sons- the pride & credibility of an Israelite woman- Hannah lived for years as a barren wife. She had nothing, yet she finds that she possesses everything.

1 Samuel 1-2 tells the sweet story of how Hannah, in bitter despair, cried out to the Lord to grant her a child. After painful prayers, endless tears, and hopeless comparisons to "the other wife," the Lord granted her desperate plea. Hannah dedicated her son Samuel to the Lord's temple, and she left him there to serve Him for his entire life.

Although I am humbled and convicted to hear of the sacrifice of her only, God-given son, I am most comforted and blessed to hear Hannah's prayer after dedicating Samuel. Rather than simply thanking her Father for the blessing of a son and rejoicing in His provision, she praises Him for teaching her a lesson throughout the whole process.

“The bows of the warriors are broken,
but those who stumbled are armed with strength.
 Those who were full hire themselves out for food,
but those who were hungry are hungry no more.
She who was barren has borne seven children,
but she who has had many sons pines away." (2:4-5)

I'm not saying that the "her" is not blessed. I'm not saying that those with a beautiful body and perfect home (all according to the world's standards, of course) cannot have a beautiful relationship with Christ. But how can we learn of God's strength and fulfillment unless we become weak and empty?

Because of her barrenness, Hannah learned to rely on the Lord for her provision. How could she learn to rely if she already had many sons? She cried out so fiercely to the Lord that the priest thought she was drunk! Because Hannah did not have what she felt she was entitled to, she learned that the Lord was everything she needed. And as a result, when she was given the things she once thought she was entitled to, she eagerly and willingly gave it back to the Lord.

"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord." (1:27-28)

Think about what your life would really be like if you had absolutely everything you ever wanted... or even the things you felt like you needed. If you were given a husband, children, a beautiful home, lots of money, perfect academic abilities, lots of energy, and lots of friends, would you have a need for God?

Those who stumbled are now armed with strength when they find that the Lord is their refuge. Those who were hungry were fed Daily Bread and Living Water. Those who were barren found their fulfillment in their Heavenly Father, and He granted them blessings from their faithfulness.

What is it that you think you really need? I can think of a thousand different things, including a more flexible budget. I want an income and budget like "her." But instead of grieving the things I don't have, I choose to stop comparing and delight in the lessons that I am learning in this season- and one of the greatest lessons I have learned is that Jesus is enough. That tight budget is a blessing!

Why God loves outer beauty, too

In a field of pretty wildflowers just before the storm, 7 young hearts found a moment to feel treasured.

I can't claim this as my own original idea- I got it from an inspiring and beautiful blog written by someone who speaks the whispers of my heart onto the pages of the Internet. Funny how that works. After reading this particular post, I knew that this needed to happen for "my girls" because my own heart needed to hear the same thing at their age.

We've been told countless times that "inner beauty is what's important" and "being pretty doesn't matter as much as the condition of your heart." And it's true- "Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised" (Prov. 31:30). Nor should the definition of our beauty come from beautiful hair or fine jewelry (1 Pet. 3:3-6). Young (and old) women should hear this message countless times, because the chasing of "perfect" outer beauty is entirely meaningless.

What I fear, however, is that Christians train young women to believe that only inner beauty should be appreciated or maintained.

When I told my girls that they would be photographed by a friend, I was so relieved to find them ecstatic. They began planning what to wear and how to coordinate everything. I told them to dress however they wanted because we were going to celebrate the artwork that God designed long ago when He created each one of these beautiful girls. And they are beautiful, aren't they?

I remember the days when I stood in front of a mirror for what seemed like hours, frustrated and in tears over the "mess" of frizzy and curly hair that God had seemingly cursed me with. Sometimes those days still creep back to taunt me when I remember a passing comment made by a guy in high school who referred to another curly-girl as having "disgusting hair. How could anyone ever run their fingers through it? So gross." The comment stuck and the Devil reigns on... but only on the days that I forget what a masterpiece I truly am.

"The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your Lord." -Psalm 45:11

He is delighted by the masterpiece He created in each one of us. Every strand of hair, freckle, crooked toe, and outie belly button is crafted specifically by our Creator to worshipfully declare His genius design. And we glorify Him immensely when we delight in that design instead of damaging it.

"For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well." -Psalm 139:13-14

We live in a fallen world, so there will still be flaws. Acne and muffin tops will be around 'til Jesus returns, and if "He will wipe every tear from their eyes," I'd love to believe that those things will not exist in Heaven (but don't quote me on that).

But what if we stopped focusing so much on the flaws and instead focused on how the Creator designed us to be? He created us as beautiful, unique, and wonderful individuals- and the way we are designed is not a mistake. In fact, it's a masterpiece.

Don't get this masterpiece confused with a knock-off version found in the makeup aisle. They sell those things in magazines. Divinely-created beauty does not come from caked makeup or obsessive hair-straightening; it doesn't even come from a skinny tummy or carefully-crafted eyebrows. The beauty that God intends for us to celebrate comes from the very body that we daily attempt to alter. But look at how beautiful you can look when you stand confident in the knowledge that He created you to be a masterpiece:

"Those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered in shame" (Psalm 34:5).

The smile and joy and radiance that flows from a Christ-honoring and God-delighting body is beautiful to the Lord and to others. These beautiful faces were captured through photos so that they would be able to tangibly see what the Lord sees- and they would have looked beautiful regardless of what precious outfit they had picked out, by the way.

I still struggle to appreciate my body and my hair and myself. I still stand in front of the mirror, pointing out to myself all the wrong things about what I see. But I don't think "loving myself" is the point- after all, we are full of sin and ick. The point is that I must learn to delight in the confidence that the same genius Creator who crafted the Grand Tetons and tidal waves and tulips is the Creator who fashioned me. So I look to my crafted beauty- thankful- and praise my Father in Heaven.

I think it's safe to say that our beauty reflects God's glory. How can we best glorify Him through our bodies? I believe that one way glorification can be captured is by protecting and treasuring the beauty He has given us in order to send praise back to Him. But there's so much more to it than that, and this is just the tip of an enormous iceberg.

What are you doing today to delight in His creation?

*pictures taken by Becca Hail

The Cost of a Trusting Heart

 



He knows.

He knows every single teeny-tiny detail of your life. He sees what happens in that moment when your feelings are hurt, when you miss someone, when things don't go as planned, when it seems that everyone is against you, when you work hard only to meet failure, when you feel like you're up to your ears with things to do, when you feel incredibly lonely, and when you feel like nothing at all is going right. He sees it all. He knows it all.

So why doesn't He stop it?

He knows what is best for us, that's for sure. We know that God is for us (Romans 8:31). We know that He loves us (Romans 5:8). We know that He formed us and created us with a beautiful picture in mind (Psalm 139). We know that He engraved us and holds us in the palm of His hand (Isaiah 49:16). So why doesn't He stop these things from happening?

Sin is ever-present in this world. We long for sin to go away and leave us alone. But until we go to Heaven, that sin will always be around to destroy the perfect world that He created. Yet sometimes He brings us through stormy weather to calm us and guide us. Of what use are our blind eyes without the All-Seeing God to guide us through the storm?

Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In ALL your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths." -Prov. 3:5-6

Every day, I find ways to discern and rationalize myself into "understanding" how the direction and purpose of my life will manifest itself. I want to understand- today- just what the rest of my life will look like. And when my well-thought-out plans come crashing to the ground, my own understanding toppling over and losing its ground, I find that I have nothing else to lean on but the direction of His path.

“God never withholds from His child that which His love and wisdom call good. God's refusals are always merciful -- "severe mercies" at times but mercies all the same. God never denies us our hearts desire except to give us something better.” -Elisabeth Elliot

Something better. He sees the loneliness, failure, hurt, and desperation in your life, but the chances are... He's probably working them out for something more beautiful than we could ever imagine on our own.

The Potential for Today

As the semester unwinds and my heart comes alive, I can't help but wonder what parts of life have passed by unknowingly in the months of busy business. The long nights and longer days full of TWS editing and lesson creating are gone for the time being, and my soul skips to bed around 10:30 or so as I check off the last thing on my to-do list. I never finish a to-do list. After a season of swimming with my head just above the surface, gasping for a sweet breath of air, it is nice to take a breather on a raft in the middle of a cool ocean.   He is good like that. In allowing myself to learn how to rest, He has made it easier to lean against the wall of His protective hands. I don't have to go through the busy seasons alone and on my own. I don't even have to depend on myself to get a 60-minute quiet time wedged into my day every single day. Rather, He provides time by His own sweet grace.

He provides it through beautiful days and long, painful runs. Between the gasps of air, I breathe You provide enough. That's just it- He provides just enough life, breath, and oxygen to get me to the next mile marker. He provides me with just enough life, breath, alertness, and motivation to get me to the next task, list, responsibility, and bedtime. He teaches me these lessons as I'm struggling for physical strength to make it the next 1/4 mile.

He provides quiet time through anxious moments at school. When I walk up and down the hallway, tension rising in my bones from people or deadlines or crazy students, I breathe You are my Creator. My exaltation of Him in the most stressful moments causes my days to feel so tiny and non-dramatic. I like it that way. He gives me an eternal perspective and Creator-sized perspective so that I can give kind attention to each student and handle each stressful situation with an attitude and words which say You are my Creator, and You have an eternal purpose for me. My dreams and ambitions and situations don't seem nearly as enormous when I think of it that way. Not even the 70-something page Teacher Work Sample can intimidate me.

Life has passed by me in a blink, and I wonder where all of the Spring semester has gone. I could wish that I had invested more, prayed more, loved more, done more, planned more, or smiled more, but in the end I know that He still loves me and provides me with enough grace to do all of those things, upon His strength, tomorrow. Today, even. So rather than feeling saddened and regretful about how Spring 2012 has passed by in a blink, I will rejoice in the opportunity to make the most of it today. He has given me more than I could ever have asked for or imagined, and I am so so thankful for the opportunity to learn that through my weaknesses.

The Adventure of Today

I don't know where I'm going, really. I am spinning my tires over and over again, rolling out a list of work to get done by the end of the week so that I can start on the next list. I feel like that gerbil we used to have in our room that decided to run on the wheel at the most annoying time of night... I never did like that little critter. And I don't like running with no purpose.

...and yet, I never once stopped to think that it was for a purpose.

I have always dreamed of getting to a point in my life where the road was open and free, ready for fresh decisions and no hindrances. Of picking which direction I want to go and going for it. I've dreamed of walking down the open path with many forks, happily skipping down whichever path seems more exciting. I dreamt of a day when life had so much potential to give me the freedom to do whatever I wanted to do. One day.

But maybe this life of treadmill pacing and circle spinning is actually for a reason? Maybe the Lord presented me with nights like last night/morning, hunched over a lesson plan and wearing the life out of my contacts, in order that He might show me how to rely on Him alone. When my weakness is entirely revealed and all the strength is drained away, He shows me in the calm of the night how absolutely pleasureable His purposes and His strength can be. I never imagined that this semester would be an adventure, but it is proving to be such a treasure inside a jar of clay. The dull ordinary of daily tasks hold inside of them a life of learning how richly sweet His strength truly is. And when I realize that His strength truly shows up when I'm weak, I find so much more purpose and adventure to all these nights of rolling to-do lists.

Before the Throne of God

By Charitie Bancroft

Before the throne of God above
I have a strong and perfect plea
A great High Priest whose name is Love
Who ever lives and pleads for me

My name is graven on His hand
My name is written on His heart
I know that while in heaven He stands
No tongue can bid me thence depart

When Satan tempts me to despair
and tells me of the guilt within
upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end of all my sin

Because a sinless Savior died
my sinful soul is counted free
For God the just is satisfied
to look on Him and pardon me

Behold Him there, the risen Lamb
My perfect spotless righteousness
The great unchangeable I AM
The King of Glory and of grace

One in Himself, I cannot die
My soul is purchased by His blood
My life is hid with Christ on high
With Christ my Savior and my God

The Best You Can Be

I have almost jumped out of my seat in excitement and amazement at least 4 times while studying today. While studying, guys. This is weird.

This semester has been one of the most challenging, exhausting, potential-for-stress semesters of my entire life. And yet, I am absolutely loving all the content I am learning in each and every class! Maybe it's because last year I dozed through classes on star formation and the 5 themes of geography (let's be honest, that stuff just doesn't pique my interest)... but all I know is I leave every day of class challenged because I don't yet know enough about how to be a great teacher and friend to the "unloveable." I can actually apply the things I learn in class Monday night to a situation I'm in Tuesday evening! If I wasn't sure if teaching/loving-on-overlooked-kids was my passion before, I'm certain of it now. I'm challenged because there is still so much more for me to learn, and the challenge excites me to no end.

It has become very easy for me to fall into the trap of "be the best [fill in the blank] you can be." Be the best student. The best teacher. The best future wife.  The most competent. The greatest friend. The most reliable. The most successful. The least dependent upon Christ? The most prideful? Yep.

I'm thankful that God has planted a desire in my heart for something that matters. He has created me to thrive in a setting where there are ethnically diverse children who need someone to show them a little love. He created me to glorify HIM most in that setting, and I absolutely LOVE discovering this about myself as my life unfolds. But do you see where things go wrong? When I'm trying to be the best in any given situation in order to promote myself, I am defaming the One who gave me the abilities in the first place. This is the dilemma of a "good girl," of a girl who has always been held to higher expectations and has almost always met them. Life gets harder when you're working at it for your own gain.

It's true, you should be the best you can be, in all situations. Slacking off shouldn't be an option. But why are you being the best you can be? Is it to make someone proud? To make yourself proud? To impress others? To please the Lord? He gives grace to the humble to accomplish any task that will glorify Him alone.

"May I never boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ" -Galatians 6:14

He promised, I believe.

"Lord, I have an Israelite's unbelief, wondering at times if it were not better to have a grave in Egypt than struggle in this wilderness. But You have promised. I believe." -Jim Elliot

I first read these words in a very hot mud house, with 'zankey' yelling my name through the cracks in our broken door. I never thought that Jim's words would become even more familiar to my prayers when sitting by myself in a nicely air-conditioned room (while eating strawberries, no less)! It seems that, while spiritual warfare seems to be more clearly seen through the eyes of an American in a remote African village, Satan is much harder to recognize and demolish in the "Christianized" comforts of America.

Uncovering sin is a painful and humbling process. In fact, it can be so painful that Satan may whisper "keep it hidden" or "it's not worth it." As I'm ripping myself from sin, I have had a thought or two that maybe it would just be easier to live with the sin rather than deal with the pain of getting rid of it. Rather than struggling, I'll just "have a grave in Egypt." No need for God to deliver me from sin- I'll just sit right here in my pool of unglorifying thoughts & actions!

BUT- God has promised. He has promised to fight for us, to conquer for us, to eradicate sin FOR US. He says "return to me, for I have redeemed you." (Is. 44:22) We don't have to fight sin on our own- "the weapons we fight with . . . have divine power to demolish strongholds." (2 Cor. 10:4) Only the divine power of Christ can break down Satan's grip of sin on our lives!

It's okay to admit to God that you have a certain amount of unbelief, or that it would seem easier to submit to sin- He knows that already. It's not okay to submit to the sin. Struggling in the wilderness may last for a time, but it only serves to draw me closer to the Father! He has promised, so I believe. Deliver me from Satan's grip, King Jesus, and sweep away my offenses like the morning mist.

For just a little dose of humility

"Lord my God! When I in awesome wonder
Consider all the works thy hand hath made,
I see the stars, I hear the mighty thunder,
Thy power throughout the universe displayed;

When through the woods and forest glades I wander
and hear the birds sing sweetly in the trees;
when I look down from lofty mountain grandeur,
and hear the brook, and feel the gentle breeze;

And when I think that God his son not sparing,
Sent him to die - I scarce can take it in,
That on the cross my burden gladly bearing,
He bled and died to take away my sin;

When Christ shall come with shout of acclamation
And take me home- what joy shall fill my heart!
Then I shall bow in humble adoration
And there proclaim, my God, how great thou art!

Then sings my soul, my Savior God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, how great Thou art!
Then sings my soul, my Savior God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, how great Thou art!"

-"How Great Thou Art" by Stuart Hine

Our First Love

Do you really know how much you are loved?

Love is a concept that I will never fully grasp, seeing as it "surpasses all knowledge." I only hope to have enough power one day "to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ." (Eph. 3:18) Even when we fall short of God's holy standard, and worshiping Him is not a priority for us, He continues to love His children with a love that never, ever fails. Like the lost sheep in Luke 15, He sought after you (if you claim to be a child of God) and would not rest until you were a part of His flock. When you stray, He still longs for you with the same intensity as before- He loves us at all times, even when we don't deserve His love. We are intensely and deeply loved, and there is nothing that can separate His children from His love (Romans 8:38-39)!

It's funny that, when writing to the Ephesians, Paul prays they will be able to grasp the greatness of God's love... because the Ephesians are chastised in Revelation for forgetting about His love:

"I know your deeds, your hard work, and your perseverance . . . You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your First Love. Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first." -Rev. 2:2-5

One can be persecuted, obedient, and outwardly committed to the cause of Christ... but what happens when those things are done for your reputation & people & tradition rather than for your First Love?

Simply put, we are intensely loved all the time. That Lover of our souls asks for our entire bodies in response to this love- not for our own sake, not to give us something to do, not to make us look good, but so that He will get the glory, honor, and praise that He so, so deserves. Such a wondrous Love as this deserves a response from us, even if the love we attempt to give back is only a fraction of the great love He offers us.

Don't forget your First Love.

9 days and blessed

I'm taking a quick break from packing and studying to say, in the least cliche way possible, how much I have seen the Lord blessing me today.

I didn't ask to be showered with so many prayers, sweet wishes, gifts, or excitement from others in regards to our trip to Niger. In fact, from the beginning of this journey I was pretty set on getting to the desert by my own abilities and powers- working hard, praying hard, and looking ahead with focus. How prideful is that?!?! I felt that the Lord would provide, and I really felt that conviction deep down, but ultimately I felt that He would provide independently of any other person.

...and wow, was I wrong.

He has provided through so many sweet, sweet people- some whom I have only spoken a few words to! Whether it be through words or baby wipes, the Lord has shown how much He delights to provide for His children. I have been lifted up in so many ways, expecting the Lord to teach me great things and work miraculous things through the Songhai people this summer. With only 9 days left until we jet out of the country, I am waiting with an expectant ear for what He is trying to teach me even now. He truly has provided more than I could ever ask for or imagine, and I have confidence that this work will not be in vain- if anything else, I have learned an incredible amount about God by just taking the journey to getting on the plane!

I'm thankful for seeing dear mission-minded friends playing out their faith. They put into action the commandments of Christ by encompassing 2 important aspects of the "Pray, Give, Go" mantra- faithfully praying for the lost who have no access to the Gospel, and generously giving so that others may go. When a 15-year-old gives me $50 for the trip or a mom gives me enough food to last the summer, I know and understand that praying & giving are just as important as going. So, when I am not preparing for a summer trip, what am I doing to spread Christ out to the nations? How am I praying and giving? I have been challenged because of the sweet examples of such wonderful friends!