For when you can't throw God a parade

Sunday night is a fragile space of time.

My planner wide open, my lesson plans spread, my internship binder created, my eyes bulging. How is all of this going to fit into five tiny school days? And how will I do it all before it's time to come home and make dinner for a hungry, studious husband?

I know I'm not the only one with a bundle of responsibilities and a package of worries. You're just as busy as the rest of us. It's just that I'm beginning to notice, with every early morning run and jam-packed school day and late night sewing spree, how easy it has been to place my priorities on everything except what truly matters.

I love my job. Love my job. I love serving my husband. I love spending time fulfilling my resolution for 2013 of creating and enjoying beauty through my newest pursuit to sew and sell scarves. And I love training for another half-marathon! All of these things feel so natural to me; I am finally beginning to find and enjoy the things that He has uniquely created me to be. But at what point do those beautiful and enjoyable things become an idol that wars over my soul??

I never wanted to be a career woman, but learning more about being a teacher pulls my heart and affections closer to my classroom and my students day by day. I want to help these struggling students change and feel successful. I want to love on them and make them feel special, all while becoming the best teacher I can be. I want to spend hours poring over my lessons, making them work so that I can pack the biggest punch possible in each of those 30-minute sessions. I want to be effective. And if you have any doubts about how much hard work goes into being an effective and loving teacher, read this and doubt no more.

Between the lessons and the long runs and the dirty dishes galore, I hardly have time to even think about when I will have time to spend some time with Jesus. I remember at the end of the day, as my eyes are quickly drooping, that I need to spend some quality time with Him tomorrow. As the dismissal bell rings and my heart rate begins to slow back to its normal pace, I ask myself what in the world it was that I learned from my quiet time that morning that I so desperately needed to remember throughout the day. My mind moves at a hundred miles per minute from 7-3:30, so how am I supposed to remember to intentionally love my neighbor and constantly be in prayer with the Lord??

I have dwelt on the wise words of Jerry Bridges for at least 2 weeks, and it has encouraged my heart so much as I ask questions such as these.

"Even the most dull and tedious days of our lives are ordained by God and ought to be used by us to glorify Him."

His glory is found in the smallest moments.

The tedious moments of our lives-- those when I just want to snap or cry or run away from all my responsibilities-- those moments are ordained by God.

A kind word shared before the morning bell rings, a prayer of thankfulness for patience with a student, a cry for grace when kind words are not shared: His glory is found in those moments.

I'm so thankful that God's glorification does not require a giant parade with streamers and confetti, because I just don't have time for that. What I do have time for, though, is what I'm already doing-- and when His glory is made a priority in my everyday doings, those things that once stood as idols quickly refine themselves into something with much greater purpose.

I'm all for living what I love with a purpose much greater than my own... and it's beautifully freeing.

On Asking and Receiving

"Great is Thy faithfulness . . . all I have needed, Thy hand hath provided." -Thomas Chisholm

I dug deep in my pockets for the skills that I needed to land a job in this new town. It didn't matter what job it was-- any job would do-- as long as we could afford to get my sweet, hardworking husband through PT school with no debt. And so we could afford to keep living, too. As I drew my hands out of my pockets, nothing came with them. I had nothing to give. I had only the hope that the Lord would provide for our most basic needs. And He did, with "blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!"

He does not promise the greatest luxuries or satisfy our selfish entitlements. He provides our every need, but He also delights to give good things to His children when they ask for them.

"Everyone who asks receives..." (Matt. 7:8)

I love how Chambers says it. He always has such a way of writing out my heart.

"This does not mean that you will not get if you do not ask, but it means that until you come to the point of asking, you will not receive from God . . . until you comprehend and appreciate mentally, morally, and with spiritual understanding, that these things come from God." (Chambers, "Then What's Next to Do?")

Huh. Tough truth for a self-motivated, determined college grad with lots of ideas about how she thinks she can change her little world. Yet it makes sense... how can I give Him glory unless I acknowledge it as a gift from Him?

There are still things that I ask of Him that He does not give me**. He knows I earnestly long for few things-- things that can only come as a gift, that I can't pull out of thin air-- yet He withholds them from me out of love. I still don't get it, but I'm learning. All I know is that "all I have needed, [His] hand hath provided."

And do I really need more than what the Provider knows I need?

___________________

**I have learned a lot of wisdom and encouragement on this topic from John Piper's series "What Do Answers to Prayer Depend On?" which you can look at here and here.

Spoken in the Classroom, Part 2

I finished my last day at my first real teaching job just a few weeks ago, and my life is now full of applications and interviews for jobs in this new town. And I'm nervous. I kind of stink at interviewing, because I can't think on my feet and my body turns red and I sweat a lot... enough that when they ask me to give 5 words that describe me, I tell them "sweaty." Oh geez.

But let's not forget the little sweeties that I taught not too long ago, and their funny and naive little sayings. I mostly teach students who do not speak English as their first language, so naturally our conversations revolve around confusion over a word or phrase in English. But sometimes it goes deeper than that, to reveal a part of their past that makes me shift in my seat and bury my eyebrows because-- truly-- these kids have seen some things with their young eyes that a Kentucky girl only sees in movies. And it makes me even more passionate about welcoming our immigrants & refugees to this country with open arms.

So here they are, some quotes by my favorite kiddos, spoken in the classroom:

On learning English and its strange food names:
"J why didn't you get a hotdog for lunch?"
(*eyes wide, terrified*) "What is a hot dog?!?!"

On teachers' lives outside of school:
Me: "I'm running in a big race this weekend."
Student: "Ew. Why are you telling me about your big person life?"

On teachers' lives inside school:
Me: "Today we are going to read in my room instead of in the hallway."
Student: (after being in the room for about 15 minutes) "Mrs. Dahl, I don't see your bed. Where do you sleep?"

On the newest perfume:
Student A: "Something smells like dried-up corn."
Student B: "Oh yeah, it's my pants."

On favorite vacation spots:
"Tomorrow night I'm going camping with my dad in our backyard. We're going to sleep in a chicken coop. It's beautiful there."

On the art of storytelling:
"This weekend I was shakin' and vibratin' to the music with my cousin, and I hurt my heel! And then I wanted a bag of chips."

On things that kids shouldn't experience:
"A hut is a house. I lived in a hut. But it got burned down by mean men so we had to leave."

On my hair:
"Oh Mrs. Dahl, your hair is so sparkly!!!"
"Can I call you Mrs. Curly Fries?"
"How does your hair do that twisted-mctwister thing?"

For the Beat-Up, Dress-Up Christian

Have you ever heard of a cotyledon?

No?

Neither had I, but apparently 3rd graders in Kentucky need to know what it is in relation to parts of a plant, and it's up to me to let them know all about it in science class.

I'm the worst science student who's married to a family of bio/chem students, and yet I'm expected to teach science content to the future scientists of America! I will admit that there were several times during student teaching when I had to research the content so that I could understand it enough to teach. And even then, I would be in the middle of a science lesson and get completely confused.

But I'm sure I learned all that stuff at some point in elementary school... right?

Being surrounded by Christianity practically my entire life, I've learned the basic building blocks of the Christian faith and totally have all 66 books of the Bible memorized. I've read, prayed, sang, learned, listened, recited, and applied the truths of the Bible millions of times in a thousand different ways for 20 years, yet there is always some new truth to learn or remember. And this is good, for it reminds me that the Bible is living AND active all the time.

I let Him take over my life at age 7, but somewhere along the way my Christian walk became more about "why can't I be more ____"s and "people will praise me if ____"s... until suddenly my walk wasn't about delighting in and serving Jesus. It was about serving others by trying to perfect myself.

When we forget those truths that we learned at the very beginning-- those about Christ dying to save our imperfect and dead souls so that we might live forever with Him as if we never sinned against Him-- Christianity becomes too much about an attempt at impressing others and, surprisingly, impressing the all-knowing God. And when they aren't impressed, we're crushed.

So how about we take a step back and remember some truths that we might have learned in elementary school?

"But because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions-- it is by grace you have been saved." -Eph. 2:4-5

Praise the good Lord that He is rich in mercy. Even when I was dead (that's the rotting-under-the-ground-and-rather-stinky kind of dead) in sin, He made me alive again (that's the vibrant-and-breathing-with-color-to-my-face kind of alive). He saved me because of grace-- NOT because I did everything right. And even today, I continue to be spiritually alive (and physically alive, I suppose) only because His grace lets me be.

I learned these verses earlier than I learned how to multiply. Why, then, do I keep living as if His grace depends on my action?

Just for a day or five, put down the fancy-shmancy Bible Study book and pick up, ya know, the Bible. Read the basic truths that you probably already have memorized, and read them until you actually read the words. Then let them sink in.


And in case you care, a cotyledon is the embryo of a plant as it grows into a seedling. And I'm sure that was a basic fact that I learned in elementary school. Yes.

Spoken in the Classroom

I have been working full-time as an elementary teacher for 4 full weeks now, and it has been the best experience ever! I'm getting paid to do something that thrills me, even when the days stretch long.

Who are my students? I spend my days teaching over 30 different students, ranging from K-5th grade. A few speak English as their native language, but most are still learning the basics of the language... which is most of the reason why I am there. But no matter where the kids come from, they truly do say the darndest things to me!

I can't keep this stuff to myself. They just make me so happy. So here is the first installment of "Spoken in the Classroom"... or multiple classrooms, which is really more the case for me.

On adult social lives:
Me: (when teaching on weather) "My friends took pictures of hail this weekend; I'll show you a picture tomorrow."
Them: "Wait, but you're a big person. You don't have friends!"

On co-worker relationships:
"Are you my teacher's granddaughter?"

On side effects:
(whispered) "The dentist said I can't talk because I have a cavity. So I can't read to you for, like, a really long time."

On parents and dating:
"Wait, I think I know you. My dad brought a girl like you home with him before."

On my ravishing good looks:
"Is your name Mrs. Dahl because you look like a Barbie doll?" (um, no.)

On those mean ol' teachers:
"Do teachers like Spring Break? Because I think they just want us to go to school all the time."

On sucking up for prizes:
"I just love learning, Mrs. Dahl; if I could learn all day long I probably would!" (yeah right)

Finding It.

Writing does something to stir my heart. I read something once, and for the life of me I cannot remember where, that explained writing as a place where words can get my mind to understand what my heart has been longing to say. And that is exactly what it has been for me. As I de-cluttered our house in an effort to live more simply in 2013, I stumbled upon the treasure trove of journals and diaries written by an awkward frizzball named Emily, dating all the way back to 1998. And wow... did I have some interesting things to say!

One of the most tragically common topics in my handwritten anthology was the curious "who am I, really?" I knew who my friends were, and I knew I belonged to Jesus, but nothing stumped me more than knowing who I was as an individual. What were my gifts? What was I good at? What was my style? Who did God create me to be?

This year, as I begin simplifying my life in order to create and appreciate more beauty, I have come to know this:

You are created by an artistic Creator.

The Creator has placed beautiful capabilities in YOU to create beautiful things in your own unique way...

...for HIS glory.

Don't try to squash them because they aren't grand enough.

Don't try to avoid them because they are scary enough.

Embrace them because they are enough.

He created you with a purpose-- to glorify Him-- and you will thrive when you live according to that glorious purpose.

Once I embraced my purpose, I began to see true beauty as designed by the Lord. I cannot create beauty on a painted canvas, but the creativity and beauty flows through me every day when I teach my students. And when I make food for my husband. And when I write out the spillings of my heart on a fresh, clean page. I have learned to cherish the beauty of a heartfelt poem, well-crafted cupcake, and a fresh, airy bedroom. I've learned that it's okay to wear a polka-dot shirt to work and spend my Friday evenings watching Wheel of Fortune. He created me to be contemplative with a twinge of bubbly, and I thrive the most when I let myself serve and create with that personality. It allows my soul to finally breathe because it is so much easier to live a purposeful life when I truly embrace who He created me to be.

So what's the next step? Learn to craft that beauty into a way that gives God the most glory. But I'll talk about that soon. Until then, work to draw out the creative purposes in other people, as David Helms so thoughtfully puts it:

"A higher calling is to see the art in someone else. To look someone in the eye and say there is art in your soul, I dare you to release it. To call the gold out of someone. To help them 'wash from their soul the dust of everyday life.'" (source)

So, the question is... are you embracing your unique creativity?

 @mrsdahlface

Today.

I haven't blogged in a while. In fact, I haven't seen anyone other than my husband, my 3rd graders, and the staff at my school since my 2nd solo week began on Monday. I really can't believe that it's almost over and I will be heading to Ecuador NEXT. WEEK.

I've been filling my thoughts will skip counting songs that get stuck in my head and trying to figure out how to use my life as a tool for communicating His glory through beautiful means. I'm learning that the long days & nights of preparing and putting together 2 teaching portfolios (what exactly was I thinking?) is worth it simply because He is equipping me to serve Him better. It makes these nights where I feel burnt and sleeeeepy seem absolutely worth it. And makes me excited to go and giggle with my 3rd graders for one last day of solo teaching.

I'm holding on to the beauty of today, because the red leaves on the trees won't be here for long and my time with these kids is ending oh.so.soon.

Enjoy the beauty of Today, because one day it will be a cherished memory.

Fruit. The non-edible kind.

Today was my mid-term assessment for student teaching, which means my journey is almost halfway complete. Halfway complete. I couldn't believe myself when I told those crazy first-graders that tomorrow will be my last day in their class. I'm actually kind of sad, and yet I can't wait to see what I will be learning in my next placement!

September held lots of exciting and wonderful things, such as letting the laundry pile up on our couch. Let this be an example of what our humble home-apartment has looked like ever since I began student teaching:

I also received a copy last week of the newly published children's book that I helped to edit last semester (!!!):

To top it all off, yet ANOTHER editing piece that I worked on last semester finally made it through the committees and ranks and will be published as an article in an academic journal! I'm not really that smart, I just really like telling people when they spell something wrong or use a comma too often I guess.

Student teaching has had its fair share of stressful moments. That is definitely for sure. I'm learning to embrace the stress and turn it into opportunities to give myself grace, receive grace from my Father, and willingly accept that I'm not perfect. And y'all, I LOVE WHAT I DO. Although I'm working on learning to love the late nights/early mornings, daily "failures," imperfections, outrageous kids who have serious issues, frustrating moments, and parents who don't care as much as I think they should, I love teaching my students each day and I am thrilled to watch them progress through the journey of a school year. I love it. Maybe I'm being too optimistic and naive, but it is incredible to get to this point in my collegiate journey and feel so in-touch with the gifts and abilities God has given me. If we're all uniquely crafted by our Maker to do certain things with excellence and passion, shouldn't we do it with gusto? In a world of people who are still trying to figure out "what to do" with their lives, I'm thankful for a season where I feel useful and completely at peace. I'm thankful that the Lord has cut out a path for me and shown it plainly. For this season, in this moment, I love doing what I do. I love being a wife to D and a teacher to 27 needy and tiny kids. I love being able to develop myself as a professional through writing, editing, and working with words. Waiting for all of that to happen was worth it. The wait was long and it was so often very hard, but this sweet season has been one worth waiting for.

If my junior-in-college self read this post written by another person, my junior-in-college self probably would have felt really bitter and angry. "Why can't I just be there? I'm so tired of the awful stuff that doesn't even matter. Let's just skip to student teaching. I am so tired of waiting and working and wailing over busy work and craziness. And I want a husband." That's what I'd say. But oh, junior-in-college self.... the wait really is worth it. It builds character and makes you realize how much you actually want it. And it helps you give a whole lot of worry and weariness and impatience over to King Jesus. So freshen up and bite the bullet, buddy. You WILL see fruit for your labor. And PS- student teaching & marriage have issues of their own, so let everything work out in its own time. Enjoy eating the same meal for days without worrying about your husband scarfing it all down.

...Someone remind me that I wrote this post one day when I'm fuming and frustrated about teaching all day on only 3 hours of sleep. Really.

Because the Teacher Learns, Too

It happened again today. It happened after the worst lesson of my student teaching experience; a lesson on addition story problems gone totally wrong. I'm sure the kids learned something, and they probably saw nothing wrong, but it definitely left me flustered, teary, and more than a little sweaty (of course). We dropped the kids off for special area, and I was finally alone with my supervising teacher so that I could begin apologizing for the past 45 minutes of class time...

But instead of adding to the 57 terrible things I had shared, she said something like this:
"Your planning was excellent. Making a lesson run smoothly just takes practice."

I was horribly uncomfortable with what she said.
It meant that I couldn't possibly do everything perfectly right now.
It meant that I would mess up.
It means I can't have complete control.
It means I have to be vulnerable.

It happened again today- I realized my humanity. I realized my enormous need for grace. I realized that, no matter how many nights I nearly pull an all-nighter and stay up long enough to see the sun peeking through the trees into our little apartment so that I will be prepared, I will not be perfect. And God's okay with that.

I proudly made quesadillas tonight for dinner. I've cooked dinner twice in the past 2 weeks. Am I failure as a wife? The former me would say yes, you awful wife who can't even make time to make food for your loving husband who does so much for you. How dare you forget to sweep and mop those hardwood floors and scrub the bathtub once a week and keep the toothpaste from caking onto the bathroom sink?! The former me (and sometimes, the current me) likes to say that I need to have everything together, sing happy songs with my first graders all day, have a budding social life, and have a gourmet dinner on the table by the time my husband gets home at 6:30. Ha... when I write it out it seems so silly, but isn't that what the picture-Pinterest-perfect woman does?!

Maybe that's what we're supposed to look like when we create an image of ourselves online. Maybe we can fool everyone on Facebook and blogs (and Twitter and Instagram and... there are way too many social media sites...) into thinking that every single day of our lives run perfectly and happily. But God knows better, and you darn well know better. He knows that you've had a rough day. He sees the pile of clothes you've been accumulating in your closet, even when the rest of your bedroom looks nice and clean (guilty guilty). He sees the number of sad/boring/difficult times you have that may often far outweigh the happy moments we celebrate on the outside. And He most definitely knows when I'm scared to death to begin my first day of solo teaching tomorrow. AND HE STILL LOVES ME.

I'm learning. I hate learning, but I love learning. As I've mentioned before, the tight and hard spaces we wedge through in order to find our way to a better understanding of Jesus are oh-so-worth it. Being vulnerable and a new, inexperienced teacher is good for me. It means learning to be teachable. It means learning to be humble. It means learning I am not perfect. It means learning to lean on Christ's strength. It means learning to love my husband in new and creative ways.

It means learning that going for a weekend trip to Chi-town with great friends in the smack middle of student teaching is sometimes not entirely wise but extremely refreshing:



And I'm thankful that I'm learning.