Whole30: The Good, the Bad, and the Jesus in all of it

In case you haven't noticed, our eating habits have changed in the last month. Like a lot. At the beginning of the year, we (but mostly I) determined that a cleanse/detox/elimination diet would be good for our systems, just to see what foods "mess with us" and cause us to perform at less than our best. I've been really, really tired all the time and D has a lovely GI system... so why not give it a try?

I had heard lots of good things about Whole30, so after months of mental preparation we finally started the 30-day journey. And let me tell you... it brought out a range of emotions.

The Good
Whole30 is a good 30-day elimination diet for cleansing your body of any possible irritants. The constant bloating in my stomach (that I never realized was constant) went away, my face cleared up, and I had SO much more energy. Like SO much. I bounced out of bed every morning without even hitting snooze (and I'm usually a "hit the snooze 5 times" kind of person), and didn't need to crash until bedtime. D found that his reflux went away and lost a lot of weight.

The Bad
It's expensive to eat healthfully, y'all. We bumped our grocery budget up by $80 for the month and still found that we were scratching for every last penny. Also, our town is not exactly Whole30-friendly, so I did have to take a few trips out of town to get valuable items like grass-fed butter, sugar-free bacon and salsa (why is sugar in EVERYTHING?!?!), soy-free tuna, phosphate-free shrimp, and canola-free cashews at the beautiful Trader Joe's and Whole Foods. But those trips were like going to Disney World; strolling the aisles full of compliant food was like a dream. So it wasn't terrible, but a teensy inconvenience.

The Very, Very Ugly
On Whole30, you eliminate anything that could irritate your gut or your body as a whole-- which includes just about anything you've ever considered "comfort" food or a "reward." No dairy, no grains, no legumes, no sugar of any kind, no processed foods. So guess what happened when Friday night movie night came around? We wanted to call Papa Johns and cry. The struggle was real and our cravings were intense (especially that one time when D's professor brought pizza in for the whole class... poor guy...). It was ugly, but y'all-- it's only 30 days. And we survived without rewarding ourselves with food, like a dog. It was so, so ugly, but in the end we are so, so proud of ourselves.


We couldn't have gotten through the 30 days without some awesome recipes to make us feel like eating clean is not actually a chore. We loved some of these meals, and I will continue to make them!

Spiced Pork Tenderloin
Crispy Buffalo Chicken Fingers with homemade ranch and celery & carrot sticks
Frittatas for breakfast like this one (to make breakfast not so boring... eggs all the time!!)
Slow Cooker Paleo Pot Roast with carrots and mashed rutabaga

And of course I became Suzie Homemaker this month by making our own staple foods... it took some time at the beginning of the week but it was so so worth it!
-clarified butter/ghee
-mayo/ranch
-tuna salad (with canned tuna from TJ's)

Other than that, we kept our sanity by eating a "treat" every now & then of berries with coconut milk or Caveman Custard. And I ate sweet potatoes with everything (esp. melted ghee... yummmmm).


So what now?

We've scarfed down 2 pints of ice cream (each), mini donuts/honeybun, and an XL pizza from Papa John's since Tuesday. And truthfully, while it was amazing to be able to take those first bites, we left the table feeling kinda gross and unsatisfied. Our bellies bloated and D's head nearly exploded. Was it really worth it?

I'm finding that, now that I have true freedom to eat whatever I want and go out to eat at any restaurant without worrying about hidden ingredients or their choice cooking oils, I'm actually longing to go back to those rules that once seemed so confining. I miss the food that gave us sustenance, energy, and life. And also, I don't really enjoy going to the gym simply because of the motivation to "work off" all that junk I just consumed, as if I'm paying back a debt; it's a lot more fun to exercise just to stay active and get stronger.

We didn't do this thing officially for Lent or for any spiritual reason, but Whole30 has quickly become a Jesus experience for me. He taught me self-control and His sufficiency, but He is also teaching me that this whole experience is a whole lot like the freedom that He has given me out of sin & death.

"If the Son has set you free, you are free indeed." -John 8:36

A relationship with Jesus is far from imprisonment. Rather, He broke me free from the prison that I was once (oddly) delighted to be a part of, where I could delight in myself and please my own flesh. And I never realized what a Hell I was actually living in. But on that Good, Good Friday, He spoke not a word as men nailed Him to the Cross and placed Him in that prison so that I could be set free. And just 3 days later, He was risen and broke the chains that once held me and Him inside and walked triumphantly out of the prison to be King over everything-- even sin & death. In Him, I no longer have to be chained to any of the selfish sin that once consumed me; He has set me free.

I am free from worry, free from fear; I am free to live a life of contentedness, freedom, and trust. I am FREE to do those things because He has done it for me. I don't have to fear tomorrow or worry that my needs will not be provided for-- He has taken that on for me. Break my chains, set me free, let me run rampant because the chains of fear are gone forever!

I am not free from pain, but I am free from hopelessness. I am not free from sorrow, but I am free to be comforted. I am not free from danger, but I am free from destruction. My soul is free and free forever-- thank you Jesus!

Just as I long to go back to the meals and food that gave me fuel to live energetically and fully, I long to dwell in Christ as a radical follower. No longer do I want to go back to those foods that gave me a false sense of freedom; nor do I want to ever go back to a deceitful life of sin that lies to me and tells me that it will satisfy. And it will.not.satisfy.

Tomorrow, Easter Sunday, I will probably eat a jellybean or two (or maybe 10, because Starburst Jellybeans are sweet nectar), but I'm thankful that I have freedom to eat what I want and live more fully. And I'll do that while praising the risen King who allows me to live freely with hope, grace, and joy in Him.



Now if someone can just help me find where the best deals are on coconut oil...

Just Step.

It's been made pretty clear on this little blog of mine that I am in love with Jim & Elisabeth Elliot, and when a friend posted this quote by E from A Chance to Die last week I couldn't help but love it:

"The preoccupations of young women - their looks, their clothes, their social life - don't seem to change much from generation to generation. But in every generation there are a few who make other choices."

I've been mulling over this quote and reading Scripture that pushes me over the edge almost daily for a week, thinking about how my life would truly look if I adhered to the path of "other choices." What if I didn't spend my days preoccupied with the clothes I wear, the nowhere-near-perfect way my hair lies on my head, the friends I have (or don't have)? What if my work days did not consist of my preoccupation with people pleasing, self-pleasing, and selfish motives? What if?

Jesus has reminded me in these past few weeks that He does not ask for crazy amazing acts; He doesn't even ask for me to do something remarkable. He simply asks me to step forward.

To lose my life of selfishness, I must step forward with one decision after another, saying "Lord You are worth more than my comfort ever will be."

To lose my life of people-pleasing, I must step forward with one decision after another, whispering "Lord You are the only One I live for, so I live to please You."

To lose my life of preoccupations, I must step forward and pray in each moment that He will be my only treasure.


The steps are sometimes so difficult that it feels as if I'm carrying 50 lbs of weights along with me, enough to make me ball my hands into a fist and grit my teeth at the temptation to give in yet again to that super-convincing flesh of mine. It. Is. So. Hard. to be Jesus to others around me when I just want to do things that will bring me comfort. I want to rip the selfish longings out of my chest, but I know the only way I can make them go away is by reminding myself that Jesus conquered them when He was nailed to the cross... and THAT is the Gospel.

"Anyone who loves their life will lose it, while anyone who hates their life in this world will keep it for eternal life." -John 12:25

I'm thankful that, even in my worst moments when I'm struggling to follow in obedience and I don't feel encouraged by other believers and I want to give in to temptations to love myself so badly, He picks me up and brushes me off and releases me from the tension by saying "I have overcome the world-- and that includes every single one of the things you've done or will do to disappoint me today."

I don't always make the choice to stay away from "preoccupations" and worldly beauties, but when I do make the small steps and move forward a teensy bit, my love for the world decreases. Truly, hating the world and my comfort has caused me to want to live and long for Jesus, and I'm thankful for every single struggle that has brought me to it.


So listen to this beautiful, perfect, truth-filled song by Ellie Holcomb and make "other choices."

Hush.

I've been quiet.

My life has been nothing but change for the past two years, and now that I've stopped kicking my heels into the ground, the dusts of change are finally beginning to settle.  I can see what's in front of me. Our life has been finally, wonderfully, consistently the same for just a few months, and now my soul can breathe.

I feel my heart unfolding. It was clammed up for so long, bracing against the new and unknown and unexpected, longing for safety. I never thought that I would be one to resist newness, but somehow my heart grew crippled under all the things that I just didn't expect to happen. The control that I once (thought that I) held in my hands slipped through my fingers and left me for good.

And through it all, I clung onto His giant finger as if it was the only thing keeping me from falling-- with my eyes clenched shut and my my face hidden from everything around me, my arms and legs wrapped around his finger as if I was glued to it-- I didn't speak to Him for fear that I would lose my focus and fall into the pit beneath me. I was scared.

And now, in these days that remain the same, I find myself longing for so much more purpose and something to kick up the dust of change once again... don't I remember how lost I felt when I could not predict tomorrow?

It has been in these quiet days that remain the same that I have begun to listen to the sweet, soft, gentle whisper of I AM; the all-encompassing I WILL BE. He tells me that He has assigned my portion and my cup; He has made my lot secure (Psalm 16:5). He whispers that I cannot find fulfillment from change or lively days or loads of new friends or unpredictability. Quietly and lovingly, He slips a note in the middle of my lists and complaints that says "rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away."

He has taught me that I cannot find my joy and fulfillment in pursuing a great marriage, successful career, or meaningful friendships. They will.not.satisfy. Only by seeking His glorification and His gain will I truly be set free to live a purposeful and peaceful life. The dust is settling, and I can see clearly.

Bring glory to Yourself, Father, just as you did so many years ago in the Israelites' painful exodus. You are the glory in the change. You are the purpose in the changeless days. You are the fighter when my boxing gloves are worn. "You will fight for me-- I need only be still." (Ex. 14:14)

This is what I have been learning in the quiet.

Christmas Eve.

It's Christmastime, and teaching my new ESL littles all about the holiday has given me new eyes to see what my own framework for Christmas is truly held upon. They sit themselves down on my little thrifted rug, eyes eager and hoping for an explanation of the magical decorations that are filling their classrooms... and I am supposed to share with those eager, brown eyes, which belong to young hearts from Hindi, Muslim, and Atheist backgrounds, what America sees as the Christmas Season.

It's really hard for me to lie to them about the whole concept of Santa-- that he comes to their home and gives them presents and eats their cookies then flies away with his reindeer-- especially when, more than likely, there will be no Christmas tree or stockings adorning their little homes this Christmas. But I want them to understand who he is so that, when their classroom teachers ask them to write a letter to "Santa," they will understand just what is going on.

And I haven't even touched on the heart of it all, the reason Christmas is so much more meaningful to me. As we flip through our Christmas vocabulary books, M finds a picture of a nativity scene. Curious, I ask "What do you think this is?" And in broken English, without hesitation, he says "Baby... here... kings... bring gold." And I smile.

This is where my heart lies: in telling my students about the things that make my heart leap. And it's why I'm on Earth, too.

Today, this Christmas Eve, my heart waits in anticipation for celebrating Jesus' birth once again. I anticipate the coming of the newborn King once again-- but this time with my eyes drawn toward the sky, admiring Him coming down on the clouds, undoubtedly as King of All. He's our Thrill of Hope, the New and Glorious One for a weary, weary world.

I'll probably sing "Here comes Santa Claus" a time or two tonight, and I'll be thinking about my sweet littles, but I pray my heart will dwell on richer Christmas words such as these:

"Oh, Holy Night! The stars are brightly shining,
It is the night of our dear Savior's birth.
Long lay the world in sin and error pining
til He appeared and the Spirit felt its worth.
A thrill of hope; the weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn!
Fall on your knees! Oh, hear the angel voices!
Oh night divine, the night when Christ was born."

For when you can't throw God a parade

Sunday night is a fragile space of time.

My planner wide open, my lesson plans spread, my internship binder created, my eyes bulging. How is all of this going to fit into five tiny school days? And how will I do it all before it's time to come home and make dinner for a hungry, studious husband?

I know I'm not the only one with a bundle of responsibilities and a package of worries. You're just as busy as the rest of us. It's just that I'm beginning to notice, with every early morning run and jam-packed school day and late night sewing spree, how easy it has been to place my priorities on everything except what truly matters.

I love my job. Love my job. I love serving my husband. I love spending time fulfilling my resolution for 2013 of creating and enjoying beauty through my newest pursuit to sew and sell scarves. And I love training for another half-marathon! All of these things feel so natural to me; I am finally beginning to find and enjoy the things that He has uniquely created me to be. But at what point do those beautiful and enjoyable things become an idol that wars over my soul??

I never wanted to be a career woman, but learning more about being a teacher pulls my heart and affections closer to my classroom and my students day by day. I want to help these struggling students change and feel successful. I want to love on them and make them feel special, all while becoming the best teacher I can be. I want to spend hours poring over my lessons, making them work so that I can pack the biggest punch possible in each of those 30-minute sessions. I want to be effective. And if you have any doubts about how much hard work goes into being an effective and loving teacher, read this and doubt no more.

Between the lessons and the long runs and the dirty dishes galore, I hardly have time to even think about when I will have time to spend some time with Jesus. I remember at the end of the day, as my eyes are quickly drooping, that I need to spend some quality time with Him tomorrow. As the dismissal bell rings and my heart rate begins to slow back to its normal pace, I ask myself what in the world it was that I learned from my quiet time that morning that I so desperately needed to remember throughout the day. My mind moves at a hundred miles per minute from 7-3:30, so how am I supposed to remember to intentionally love my neighbor and constantly be in prayer with the Lord??

I have dwelt on the wise words of Jerry Bridges for at least 2 weeks, and it has encouraged my heart so much as I ask questions such as these.

"Even the most dull and tedious days of our lives are ordained by God and ought to be used by us to glorify Him."

His glory is found in the smallest moments.

The tedious moments of our lives-- those when I just want to snap or cry or run away from all my responsibilities-- those moments are ordained by God.

A kind word shared before the morning bell rings, a prayer of thankfulness for patience with a student, a cry for grace when kind words are not shared: His glory is found in those moments.

I'm so thankful that God's glorification does not require a giant parade with streamers and confetti, because I just don't have time for that. What I do have time for, though, is what I'm already doing-- and when His glory is made a priority in my everyday doings, those things that once stood as idols quickly refine themselves into something with much greater purpose.

I'm all for living what I love with a purpose much greater than my own... and it's beautifully freeing.

Before You Doubt

She bites her lip. Frozen, her eyes lock on every single red car that could possibly be hers. Will today be the day that she's left behind? I see the familiar, frightened face and pat her on the back. "Have they ever let you down?" I say. "Someone is always here to pick you up after school; sometimes they just don't come as early as you expect." She glances my way, nervous and unsure, and a tear slips down her face. I've seen this look so many times before. Since the first day of school, she has questioned whether or not her family will be there to pick her up from Car Rider line, and every day they have shown up for their precious daughter. They would never forget their sweet girl.

I could become frustrated with her perpetual doubt, but I can't do that. Doubt is too familiar to me. Sometimes I stare out my classroom window, frozen and afraid, wondering if I was truly made to succeed at my job. If the Lord really wanted me to be placed in a wonderful school to follow the work of an excellent teacher working with students who have incredible potential. I glance around new places, uncertain, as I meet new people and struggle to fit in to the life of a post-college-newlywed in a new-ish town. Will God truly be there for me and provide for me and comfort me?

And all the while, He looks down from Heaven and whispers in my ear "Emily, have I ever let you down?"
Well, Lord, not really.

Glance back and remember how He's been faithful and you'll wish you never doubted. Remember all those times when He provided and comforted and blessed and loved... and all those worries will quickly wash away. Sure, the doubt will disappear when He miraculously rounds the corner in His red car right after the school bell rings, and we can skip happily to the car, but until then He wants us to trust that He'll be there in the just-right timing.

"What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived-- the things God has prepared for those who love him-- these are the things God has revealed to us by His Spirit." -1 Cor. 2:9-10

Why God is the Perfect Date (and I'm not)

Have I ever told you about our first Valentine's Day as a married couple? Probably not, because I made it pretty awful for both of us. To my credit, I had spent a whole day subbing for an inner-city kindergarten class on one of the craziest school days of the year-- attempting to coordinate the exchange of cards and settling down 28 unfamiliar kids on a sugar high-- but my mood wasn't exactly the one you wanted around for the Day of Love. As always, D was kind and loving, but I was moody and acting weird and not being very appreciative of the awesome dinner he made and the thoughtful gift he surprised me with. Feelings were hurt. Hearts were definitely not nurtured. My moodiness definitely reigned on.

Wouldn't it be nice if we were all stable, calm, thoughtful people who did not act on whims of emotion or harbored bitterness? Our relationships would look a lot more peaceful; forgiveness would be simple; unconditional love would be effortless.

I know no one who is so predictable.

"The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will He harbor His anger forever. He does not treat us as our sins deserve, or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His love for those who fear Him. As far as the EAST is from the WEST..." -Ps. 103:8-12ish

I'm thankful for a God who is not moody, indecisive, or unpredictable. He doesn't act on a whim of emotion or harbor any bitterness-- rather, He LOVES and does everything for us consistently out of LOVE. What human do I know that remains the same, even in emotion? What man is predictable by nature, 100% of the time? None! He'd be the perfect date; an even better husband. He is the same everyday, regardless of how I hurt Him or slay Him or ignore Him. He continues to be the same, loving God!

Why is this so difficult for us to comprehend? Why, although we know His predictable nature, do we continue to believe the lie that our sins will take away His love? He is not like any human-- His nature is unfathomable.

Praise Him in His predictability, and rest in the knowledge that He never, ever changes.

When Life Interrupted

Photo Credit: OSL

One year ago, life interrupted our plans.

One week before saying "I Do," the Lord said "I do not think you trust Me enough."

One month after being married, we were renters of a precious apartment but wondered how on Earth we would get rent paid.

And yet, in the midst of it all, He was crafting a beautiful lesson. We asked, and He provided... sometimes in the strangest (and, therefore, most obvious) ways.

Jobs.

Just enough grocery money.

Conditioner (right when I needed it).

Interviews.

Acceptance Letters.

And finally, as we surprisingly make our way back to our my college town/his hometown, we see Him provide yet again through a rental home. We didn't ask to be pampered; we didn't expect the Lord to show us a home that exceeded our (but mostly my) expectations. And yet He choose to bless us.

One year ago, before life interrupted our plans, I trusted in myself and my skills to provide for myself. He brought us through the fire and hammered out our hearts until now, one year later, we are praising Him for every blessing and acknowledging Him as our wonderful Provider.

"One of the most amazing revelations of God comes to us when we learn that it is in the everyday things of life that we realize the magnificent deity of Jesus Christ." -Oswald Chambers

For the Beat-Up, Dress-Up Christian

Have you ever heard of a cotyledon?

No?

Neither had I, but apparently 3rd graders in Kentucky need to know what it is in relation to parts of a plant, and it's up to me to let them know all about it in science class.

I'm the worst science student who's married to a family of bio/chem students, and yet I'm expected to teach science content to the future scientists of America! I will admit that there were several times during student teaching when I had to research the content so that I could understand it enough to teach. And even then, I would be in the middle of a science lesson and get completely confused.

But I'm sure I learned all that stuff at some point in elementary school... right?

Being surrounded by Christianity practically my entire life, I've learned the basic building blocks of the Christian faith and totally have all 66 books of the Bible memorized. I've read, prayed, sang, learned, listened, recited, and applied the truths of the Bible millions of times in a thousand different ways for 20 years, yet there is always some new truth to learn or remember. And this is good, for it reminds me that the Bible is living AND active all the time.

I let Him take over my life at age 7, but somewhere along the way my Christian walk became more about "why can't I be more ____"s and "people will praise me if ____"s... until suddenly my walk wasn't about delighting in and serving Jesus. It was about serving others by trying to perfect myself.

When we forget those truths that we learned at the very beginning-- those about Christ dying to save our imperfect and dead souls so that we might live forever with Him as if we never sinned against Him-- Christianity becomes too much about an attempt at impressing others and, surprisingly, impressing the all-knowing God. And when they aren't impressed, we're crushed.

So how about we take a step back and remember some truths that we might have learned in elementary school?

"But because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions-- it is by grace you have been saved." -Eph. 2:4-5

Praise the good Lord that He is rich in mercy. Even when I was dead (that's the rotting-under-the-ground-and-rather-stinky kind of dead) in sin, He made me alive again (that's the vibrant-and-breathing-with-color-to-my-face kind of alive). He saved me because of grace-- NOT because I did everything right. And even today, I continue to be spiritually alive (and physically alive, I suppose) only because His grace lets me be.

I learned these verses earlier than I learned how to multiply. Why, then, do I keep living as if His grace depends on my action?

Just for a day or five, put down the fancy-shmancy Bible Study book and pick up, ya know, the Bible. Read the basic truths that you probably already have memorized, and read them until you actually read the words. Then let them sink in.


And in case you care, a cotyledon is the embryo of a plant as it grows into a seedling. And I'm sure that was a basic fact that I learned in elementary school. Yes.

Good morning, rainy Easter

On Friday, we mourned the death of our Messiah. But Sunday-- yes, even this rainy Sunday-- we celebrate the return of our King. He conquered sin and death so that every single thing I've done to disappoint, reject, or anger Him has been taken away. My debt is gone; I'm set free not because of anything I have done, but because of His work on the cross and coming back to life on that glorious day.

Today, even amidst the up-and-coming Spring weather and family time and really good Starburst jellybeans, I'm most excited to remember that He conquered my sin through death and resurrection. It's the whole reason I'm a Christ follower. Have a happy Easter Sunday!


"So three days in darkness slept the Morning Son of righteousness;
But rose to shame the throes of death and overturn His rule.

Now daughters and the sons of men would pay not their dues again;
The debt of blood they owed was rent when the day rolled anew.

On Friday, a thief; on Sunday, a King. 
Laid down in grief, but awoke holding keys. 
To Hell on that day, firstborn of the slain; the man Jesus Christ laid death in His grave."

-John Mark MacMillan, "Death in His Grave"

Finding It.

Writing does something to stir my heart. I read something once, and for the life of me I cannot remember where, that explained writing as a place where words can get my mind to understand what my heart has been longing to say. And that is exactly what it has been for me. As I de-cluttered our house in an effort to live more simply in 2013, I stumbled upon the treasure trove of journals and diaries written by an awkward frizzball named Emily, dating all the way back to 1998. And wow... did I have some interesting things to say!

One of the most tragically common topics in my handwritten anthology was the curious "who am I, really?" I knew who my friends were, and I knew I belonged to Jesus, but nothing stumped me more than knowing who I was as an individual. What were my gifts? What was I good at? What was my style? Who did God create me to be?

This year, as I begin simplifying my life in order to create and appreciate more beauty, I have come to know this:

You are created by an artistic Creator.

The Creator has placed beautiful capabilities in YOU to create beautiful things in your own unique way...

...for HIS glory.

Don't try to squash them because they aren't grand enough.

Don't try to avoid them because they are scary enough.

Embrace them because they are enough.

He created you with a purpose-- to glorify Him-- and you will thrive when you live according to that glorious purpose.

Once I embraced my purpose, I began to see true beauty as designed by the Lord. I cannot create beauty on a painted canvas, but the creativity and beauty flows through me every day when I teach my students. And when I make food for my husband. And when I write out the spillings of my heart on a fresh, clean page. I have learned to cherish the beauty of a heartfelt poem, well-crafted cupcake, and a fresh, airy bedroom. I've learned that it's okay to wear a polka-dot shirt to work and spend my Friday evenings watching Wheel of Fortune. He created me to be contemplative with a twinge of bubbly, and I thrive the most when I let myself serve and create with that personality. It allows my soul to finally breathe because it is so much easier to live a purposeful life when I truly embrace who He created me to be.

So what's the next step? Learn to craft that beauty into a way that gives God the most glory. But I'll talk about that soon. Until then, work to draw out the creative purposes in other people, as David Helms so thoughtfully puts it:

"A higher calling is to see the art in someone else. To look someone in the eye and say there is art in your soul, I dare you to release it. To call the gold out of someone. To help them 'wash from their soul the dust of everyday life.'" (source)

So, the question is... are you embracing your unique creativity?

 @mrsdahlface

The Danger of Doing Something

The past few weeks, I've joined a friend in leading a small group Bible study for 9th grade girls. It's kind of like a flashback to last year, teaching the same age again. And I still love it.

We're going through Emily's book Graceful. I highly encourage you to check out her blog and read either of the two books she has written-- they were mind- and heart-shifting for me, the perfectionist and I-can-do-it-by-myself girl. I've learned a lot about grace, and I hope these sweet girls are learning, too.

This book has reminded me of a truth that I have tried to remind myself of daily: Doing vs. Believing. The danger of doing is the temptation to put a load on our shoulders of responsibility, guilt, and loneliness. The blessing of believing is freedom, trusting, and peace. Which would you rather have?

Way too many assignments are due at the same time.
What am I supposed to do?

Expectations were not met.
What am I supposed to do? 

The budget is tighter than your pants on Thanksgiving.
What am I supposed to do? 

Failure. Sickness. Death. Loneliness.
What am I supposed to do?  

The awesome D on our front door broke.
What am I supposed to do?

The D on our front door broke into 3 pieces, and so did my heart. Kind of. It was so nice to call our apartment "the one with the D on the door." But try as I might, that D wasn't getting fixed. So I trotted on over to Hobby Lobby and fixed myself a brand new fall wreath!

But some things just can't be "fixed." Have you ever noticed our desperate inclination to try to "fix" every situation that comes our way?? There are some parts of life that just can't be upcycled. As much as we want to, we can't DIY our problems to make them look better than they were before. We may attempt to put it all back together, or replace the problems with a cover-up smile while telling ourselves to "man up," but in the end the problem is still there.

The problem is still there because problems don't get fixed by little ol' us. Rather, a great, big GOD lifts our heads in the middle of the problem.

Suddenly, we stop trying to do something and start trying to believe something. We believe He is good. We believe He is in control.

Way too many assignments are due at the same time.
He is our Rock, a fortress in times of trouble. (Ps. 9:9)

Expectations were not met.
He is sufficient. (Phil. 4:19) 

The budget is tighter than your pants on Thanksgiving.
He is our Provider. (Phil. 4:19) 

Failure. Sickness. Death. Loneliness.
He has a beautiful plan in every tragedy. (2 Cor. 1:3-5, Jer. 29:11) 

I'm thankful that the burden is lifted. I'm not used to simply believing; I'm more of a hang-the-pretty-wreath-you-made-and-hide-your-problems-behind-the-door kind of girl. But the happy part? His grace is teaching me to simply believe instead of trying to do something myself. Because, really, anytime I try to "do something" about my problems... I end up letting myself down. But Christ does not give up on His sweet but oh-so-pathetic children!

What will you choose to believe?

I'm linking this post up with Gospel Homemaking for their Thrive at Home Weekly Linkup. Find lots more great bloggers by clicking here.

Provision

I'm sitting here, at 11:15 pm (way past my bedtime), finding myself extremely grateful. I am sitting in a wonderfully sweet little home with a husband sleeping upstairs and blueberry muffins baking for him to find in the morning (don't tell, it's a surprise). And I'm able to have a little bit of Emily time to read and blog with our newly-installed Internet!

We've been thrown a lot of different decisions and challenges in the last few months, but tonight I am grateful for the ways that the Lord has provided. He provides in the little things- bottles of conditioner, pictures from first graders, timely envelopes in the mail. At every turn and every expense, we meet our Provider face-to-face and can't find any reason to blame anything on coincidence. I am humbled to realize that He etched His plans for our lives into stone from the very beginning, and He has only good prepared for us. And in my opinion, marrying David Carl was one of the best parts of that plan, because I am able to journey through all of this together with him!

Slow down and notice- He provides little things every day. He provides tiny lunch breaks with my ever-wise supervising teacher so that I can rest and learn from someone who is way more experienced at handling 6-year-olds in the classroom. He provides Sunday afternoons so that I can spend time with my family and catch up on all the work I have for the following week. He provides just enough food so that we can eat healthfully and well until the next budget month. And even on limited funds, we are finding that we can truly live abundantly because of this great Provider.

And really, I wouldn't live this stage of life any other way.

For Tomorrow

It's that time again- time to tell a friend I can't hang out because I have homework, time to print the syllabi, time to meet new students. Time to get on with the rest of my life. Rather than complaining about the start of a new semester, I'm taking comfort in these familiar things... but I'm learning that we don't find trust when we're surrounded by the familiar. When everything around me is oh-so-familiar and the norm for me, I forget to lean on God.
When the path ahead is predictable and level, I walk confidently. I need no guide.

What happens when I face a road block? When I'm faced with a new path? When I only see the unpredictable?

"Fear not tomorrow, God is already there."

These past few months have held so many unknowns. So many wonderings and wanderings. So many "what if"s and "where will we go?"s and "why"s. I've done my share of worrying and dreading, but today I release them all to the One who has plans for me. His plans are for us to prosper. His plans include hope and a future. His plans are never meant to harm me. (Jer. 29:11) His plans, although so very different from my own, work together for His good. I am called according to His purpose, therefore I will live for His purposes. (Rom. 8:28)

When the familiar is gone and the unknown is ahead, I find myself falling and trusting that the Lord will carry me on. And He carries me to places I never could have asked for or imagined. (Eph. 3:20)

When I only wrote to my husband

I have never been so inconsistent in keeping up with my blog, but I'll attribute the deserted posts to the fact that we haven't had Internet in our home since we moved in. Blogging takes a back seat when precious Internet time is spent checking oh-so-important emails at the closest coffee shop. And it's annoying.

It seems like I have spent a lot of the past year wanting and waiting for a lot of things. In the middle of Dahl Wedding chaos, my heart held desires for so many things that I could do nothing but wait for. And even now, as a married couple we wait for more.

Financial security.

A teaching job, come January.

Elimination of massive loans.

Travel across the ocean to reach lost hearts.

Direction.

With every family, couple, or individual who passes by and gains the things we so long to have, my heart can't help but plant seeds of jealousy and want. But, as He usually does, the Lord calls my yearning heart toward something better. He reminds me that He is teaching us something through the wants and the waits.

This morning I found a box that held hundreds of pages of wanting and waiting. I called it my "Forever Box," and it came to me a long time ago when my grandparents bought a coat from Forever21 and gave it to me in the box. Rather than throwing the sturdy box away, I used it to begin storing letters and momentos for my future husband... the man who is now my husband.

I wrote the first letter to my future husband when I was just 15. It was innocent, pure, and now extremely embarrassing (apparently text-talk was cool to write on paper in 2005), but it promised my husband that I was committed to waiting for him. For 7 more years, I wrote pages and pages of letters sharing with my husband and with Jesus just how excited or anxious I was about meeting my husband and staying disciplined enough to be committed to purity. Somehow, these letters and journals helped give my longing heart something to cling to because I knew that the Lord would one day provide what I wanted so badly. And if He did not provide a husband, I knew that I could be content because He had been with me through the whole waiting process and I needed no one else. When my heart gravitated toward other boys, and even when I dated D, I tried to keep my heart fixed on the man the Lord had planned for me through the contents of that little box. My waiting and wanting became subject to the Lord's plans, timing, and ultimate will. Only His.

On our wedding day, D opened the box I had reserved for him. I wish so much that I had been able to see him open it, but I think the box encouraged and lifted MY heart more than  his because of the journey I traveled to get that box into his hands! Because I was willing to wait and put all my wants in Christ, He showed me how joyful life can be if we are completely satisfied in Him. He showed me that I don't need a husband in order to be satisfied. As D read the letters from a 15- and 17-year-old Emily in the Dallas airport on the way to our honeymoon, I covered my face with my hands in embarrassment and cried in thankfulness. The Lord listened to my yearning heart and, in wisdom, waited until I had learned the lessons He had in store for me. And I am thankful.

God has always, always, always known what is best for us. He knows the right time, the right person, the best situations, and the perfect place for every.single.one.of.us. He knew that D would be the husband I wrote to for years, and He knew that our lives would look nothing like we had ever planned. He knows why we are in Louisville, looking for jobs that we never thought we'd want to do and budgeting tighter than we ever thought we'd need. He knows, and He wants us to wait to understand why on Earth we are just now finding these interesting changes of events. And He reminds me that He is sovereign over all of it by showing me journals that I wrote while waiting for my future husband.

So the only waiting that I'll keep complaining about is waiting for my hair to dry- it takes 4 hours, people.

Why God loves outer beauty, too

In a field of pretty wildflowers just before the storm, 7 young hearts found a moment to feel treasured.

I can't claim this as my own original idea- I got it from an inspiring and beautiful blog written by someone who speaks the whispers of my heart onto the pages of the Internet. Funny how that works. After reading this particular post, I knew that this needed to happen for "my girls" because my own heart needed to hear the same thing at their age.

We've been told countless times that "inner beauty is what's important" and "being pretty doesn't matter as much as the condition of your heart." And it's true- "Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised" (Prov. 31:30). Nor should the definition of our beauty come from beautiful hair or fine jewelry (1 Pet. 3:3-6). Young (and old) women should hear this message countless times, because the chasing of "perfect" outer beauty is entirely meaningless.

What I fear, however, is that Christians train young women to believe that only inner beauty should be appreciated or maintained.

When I told my girls that they would be photographed by a friend, I was so relieved to find them ecstatic. They began planning what to wear and how to coordinate everything. I told them to dress however they wanted because we were going to celebrate the artwork that God designed long ago when He created each one of these beautiful girls. And they are beautiful, aren't they?

I remember the days when I stood in front of a mirror for what seemed like hours, frustrated and in tears over the "mess" of frizzy and curly hair that God had seemingly cursed me with. Sometimes those days still creep back to taunt me when I remember a passing comment made by a guy in high school who referred to another curly-girl as having "disgusting hair. How could anyone ever run their fingers through it? So gross." The comment stuck and the Devil reigns on... but only on the days that I forget what a masterpiece I truly am.

"The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your Lord." -Psalm 45:11

He is delighted by the masterpiece He created in each one of us. Every strand of hair, freckle, crooked toe, and outie belly button is crafted specifically by our Creator to worshipfully declare His genius design. And we glorify Him immensely when we delight in that design instead of damaging it.

"For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well." -Psalm 139:13-14

We live in a fallen world, so there will still be flaws. Acne and muffin tops will be around 'til Jesus returns, and if "He will wipe every tear from their eyes," I'd love to believe that those things will not exist in Heaven (but don't quote me on that).

But what if we stopped focusing so much on the flaws and instead focused on how the Creator designed us to be? He created us as beautiful, unique, and wonderful individuals- and the way we are designed is not a mistake. In fact, it's a masterpiece.

Don't get this masterpiece confused with a knock-off version found in the makeup aisle. They sell those things in magazines. Divinely-created beauty does not come from caked makeup or obsessive hair-straightening; it doesn't even come from a skinny tummy or carefully-crafted eyebrows. The beauty that God intends for us to celebrate comes from the very body that we daily attempt to alter. But look at how beautiful you can look when you stand confident in the knowledge that He created you to be a masterpiece:

"Those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered in shame" (Psalm 34:5).

The smile and joy and radiance that flows from a Christ-honoring and God-delighting body is beautiful to the Lord and to others. These beautiful faces were captured through photos so that they would be able to tangibly see what the Lord sees- and they would have looked beautiful regardless of what precious outfit they had picked out, by the way.

I still struggle to appreciate my body and my hair and myself. I still stand in front of the mirror, pointing out to myself all the wrong things about what I see. But I don't think "loving myself" is the point- after all, we are full of sin and ick. The point is that I must learn to delight in the confidence that the same genius Creator who crafted the Grand Tetons and tidal waves and tulips is the Creator who fashioned me. So I look to my crafted beauty- thankful- and praise my Father in Heaven.

I think it's safe to say that our beauty reflects God's glory. How can we best glorify Him through our bodies? I believe that one way glorification can be captured is by protecting and treasuring the beauty He has given us in order to send praise back to Him. But there's so much more to it than that, and this is just the tip of an enormous iceberg.

What are you doing today to delight in His creation?

*pictures taken by Becca Hail

The Cost of a Trusting Heart

 



He knows.

He knows every single teeny-tiny detail of your life. He sees what happens in that moment when your feelings are hurt, when you miss someone, when things don't go as planned, when it seems that everyone is against you, when you work hard only to meet failure, when you feel like you're up to your ears with things to do, when you feel incredibly lonely, and when you feel like nothing at all is going right. He sees it all. He knows it all.

So why doesn't He stop it?

He knows what is best for us, that's for sure. We know that God is for us (Romans 8:31). We know that He loves us (Romans 5:8). We know that He formed us and created us with a beautiful picture in mind (Psalm 139). We know that He engraved us and holds us in the palm of His hand (Isaiah 49:16). So why doesn't He stop these things from happening?

Sin is ever-present in this world. We long for sin to go away and leave us alone. But until we go to Heaven, that sin will always be around to destroy the perfect world that He created. Yet sometimes He brings us through stormy weather to calm us and guide us. Of what use are our blind eyes without the All-Seeing God to guide us through the storm?

Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In ALL your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths." -Prov. 3:5-6

Every day, I find ways to discern and rationalize myself into "understanding" how the direction and purpose of my life will manifest itself. I want to understand- today- just what the rest of my life will look like. And when my well-thought-out plans come crashing to the ground, my own understanding toppling over and losing its ground, I find that I have nothing else to lean on but the direction of His path.

“God never withholds from His child that which His love and wisdom call good. God's refusals are always merciful -- "severe mercies" at times but mercies all the same. God never denies us our hearts desire except to give us something better.” -Elisabeth Elliot

Something better. He sees the loneliness, failure, hurt, and desperation in your life, but the chances are... He's probably working them out for something more beautiful than we could ever imagine on our own.

The Potential for Today

As the semester unwinds and my heart comes alive, I can't help but wonder what parts of life have passed by unknowingly in the months of busy business. The long nights and longer days full of TWS editing and lesson creating are gone for the time being, and my soul skips to bed around 10:30 or so as I check off the last thing on my to-do list. I never finish a to-do list. After a season of swimming with my head just above the surface, gasping for a sweet breath of air, it is nice to take a breather on a raft in the middle of a cool ocean.   He is good like that. In allowing myself to learn how to rest, He has made it easier to lean against the wall of His protective hands. I don't have to go through the busy seasons alone and on my own. I don't even have to depend on myself to get a 60-minute quiet time wedged into my day every single day. Rather, He provides time by His own sweet grace.

He provides it through beautiful days and long, painful runs. Between the gasps of air, I breathe You provide enough. That's just it- He provides just enough life, breath, and oxygen to get me to the next mile marker. He provides me with just enough life, breath, alertness, and motivation to get me to the next task, list, responsibility, and bedtime. He teaches me these lessons as I'm struggling for physical strength to make it the next 1/4 mile.

He provides quiet time through anxious moments at school. When I walk up and down the hallway, tension rising in my bones from people or deadlines or crazy students, I breathe You are my Creator. My exaltation of Him in the most stressful moments causes my days to feel so tiny and non-dramatic. I like it that way. He gives me an eternal perspective and Creator-sized perspective so that I can give kind attention to each student and handle each stressful situation with an attitude and words which say You are my Creator, and You have an eternal purpose for me. My dreams and ambitions and situations don't seem nearly as enormous when I think of it that way. Not even the 70-something page Teacher Work Sample can intimidate me.

Life has passed by me in a blink, and I wonder where all of the Spring semester has gone. I could wish that I had invested more, prayed more, loved more, done more, planned more, or smiled more, but in the end I know that He still loves me and provides me with enough grace to do all of those things, upon His strength, tomorrow. Today, even. So rather than feeling saddened and regretful about how Spring 2012 has passed by in a blink, I will rejoice in the opportunity to make the most of it today. He has given me more than I could ever have asked for or imagined, and I am so so thankful for the opportunity to learn that through my weaknesses.

The Tragedy of Today

I am daily reminded that this Earth is not our home. What God created to be beautiful has tragically been tainted by sin and death. Those beautiful, budding, pollen-infested trees outside are causing me pain and suffering. The sweet father-daughter relationship of a precious young lady has been separated by death. I grow tired of waiting weeks to see my wonderful fiancé who is miles away. Running after my ambitions and passions and what I love to do- loving on children and families, namely- is tiring, exhausting, and takes up a lot of my energy and focus. This Earth is not our home.

It is so easy to walk around life focused on all the hard things. Today I felt defeated after running late, getting griped out on the phone at work, and remaining quiet during my English class-intimidated by all the smarter people in the room. Then I felt exhausted because of the work I will have to do to learn what everyone else already seems to know. God created work- but did He create work in the Garden to be such a burdensome and toiling task? I don't think so. It wasn't until the Fall and Sin that people started dying, work became a bother, and people felt distanced from God. All I can gather from this is that we were not created to live in a world full of so much pain.

But the great news? The great news is that there is a Place where there is no pain. No suffering from beautiful and blooming plants, no severed relationships, no death, no sickness, no weariness or hopeless exhaustion. There is a place we were created for that offers so much more than this world could ever give.

Although He created us for a home in Heaven that is yet to come, I believe that He gives us daily reminders of the Coming Age in the little crevices of the daily grind. In the midst of a trying day in a particular second grade classroom, He brought a reminder that my tiny efforts to love on the unloved are actually paying off. My only prayer is that this sweet little girl will understand that I'm just loving her out of obedience to the One who loves her more than we could ever understand- that is, this side of Heaven. On a day when the weight of the world was nearly pulling me down to the dirt of the playground floor, He whispered a gentle reminder that our faithfulness is essential as we walk through the wait. I wait for our Home. I wait for Restoration. But until then, I pray for obedience in this very broken but tragically beautiful world.

The Adventure of Today

I don't know where I'm going, really. I am spinning my tires over and over again, rolling out a list of work to get done by the end of the week so that I can start on the next list. I feel like that gerbil we used to have in our room that decided to run on the wheel at the most annoying time of night... I never did like that little critter. And I don't like running with no purpose.

...and yet, I never once stopped to think that it was for a purpose.

I have always dreamed of getting to a point in my life where the road was open and free, ready for fresh decisions and no hindrances. Of picking which direction I want to go and going for it. I've dreamed of walking down the open path with many forks, happily skipping down whichever path seems more exciting. I dreamt of a day when life had so much potential to give me the freedom to do whatever I wanted to do. One day.

But maybe this life of treadmill pacing and circle spinning is actually for a reason? Maybe the Lord presented me with nights like last night/morning, hunched over a lesson plan and wearing the life out of my contacts, in order that He might show me how to rely on Him alone. When my weakness is entirely revealed and all the strength is drained away, He shows me in the calm of the night how absolutely pleasureable His purposes and His strength can be. I never imagined that this semester would be an adventure, but it is proving to be such a treasure inside a jar of clay. The dull ordinary of daily tasks hold inside of them a life of learning how richly sweet His strength truly is. And when I realize that His strength truly shows up when I'm weak, I find so much more purpose and adventure to all these nights of rolling to-do lists.