Hush.

I've been quiet.

My life has been nothing but change for the past two years, and now that I've stopped kicking my heels into the ground, the dusts of change are finally beginning to settle.  I can see what's in front of me. Our life has been finally, wonderfully, consistently the same for just a few months, and now my soul can breathe.

I feel my heart unfolding. It was clammed up for so long, bracing against the new and unknown and unexpected, longing for safety. I never thought that I would be one to resist newness, but somehow my heart grew crippled under all the things that I just didn't expect to happen. The control that I once (thought that I) held in my hands slipped through my fingers and left me for good.

And through it all, I clung onto His giant finger as if it was the only thing keeping me from falling-- with my eyes clenched shut and my my face hidden from everything around me, my arms and legs wrapped around his finger as if I was glued to it-- I didn't speak to Him for fear that I would lose my focus and fall into the pit beneath me. I was scared.

And now, in these days that remain the same, I find myself longing for so much more purpose and something to kick up the dust of change once again... don't I remember how lost I felt when I could not predict tomorrow?

It has been in these quiet days that remain the same that I have begun to listen to the sweet, soft, gentle whisper of I AM; the all-encompassing I WILL BE. He tells me that He has assigned my portion and my cup; He has made my lot secure (Psalm 16:5). He whispers that I cannot find fulfillment from change or lively days or loads of new friends or unpredictability. Quietly and lovingly, He slips a note in the middle of my lists and complaints that says "rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away."

He has taught me that I cannot find my joy and fulfillment in pursuing a great marriage, successful career, or meaningful friendships. They will.not.satisfy. Only by seeking His glorification and His gain will I truly be set free to live a purposeful and peaceful life. The dust is settling, and I can see clearly.

Bring glory to Yourself, Father, just as you did so many years ago in the Israelites' painful exodus. You are the glory in the change. You are the purpose in the changeless days. You are the fighter when my boxing gloves are worn. "You will fight for me-- I need only be still." (Ex. 14:14)

This is what I have been learning in the quiet.

Before You Doubt

She bites her lip. Frozen, her eyes lock on every single red car that could possibly be hers. Will today be the day that she's left behind? I see the familiar, frightened face and pat her on the back. "Have they ever let you down?" I say. "Someone is always here to pick you up after school; sometimes they just don't come as early as you expect." She glances my way, nervous and unsure, and a tear slips down her face. I've seen this look so many times before. Since the first day of school, she has questioned whether or not her family will be there to pick her up from Car Rider line, and every day they have shown up for their precious daughter. They would never forget their sweet girl.

I could become frustrated with her perpetual doubt, but I can't do that. Doubt is too familiar to me. Sometimes I stare out my classroom window, frozen and afraid, wondering if I was truly made to succeed at my job. If the Lord really wanted me to be placed in a wonderful school to follow the work of an excellent teacher working with students who have incredible potential. I glance around new places, uncertain, as I meet new people and struggle to fit in to the life of a post-college-newlywed in a new-ish town. Will God truly be there for me and provide for me and comfort me?

And all the while, He looks down from Heaven and whispers in my ear "Emily, have I ever let you down?"
Well, Lord, not really.

Glance back and remember how He's been faithful and you'll wish you never doubted. Remember all those times when He provided and comforted and blessed and loved... and all those worries will quickly wash away. Sure, the doubt will disappear when He miraculously rounds the corner in His red car right after the school bell rings, and we can skip happily to the car, but until then He wants us to trust that He'll be there in the just-right timing.

"What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived-- the things God has prepared for those who love him-- these are the things God has revealed to us by His Spirit." -1 Cor. 2:9-10

Our 2012 Christmas Card

I'll admit I'm not on the top of my game for Christmas. I decorated our apartment in a frenzy upon returning to the States 15 days before Christmas, but you won't be receiving a Christmas card from the Dahls for their first married Christmas and you definitely won't be seeing us hosting a Christmas party. But it's okay because I'm back in America and I'm soaking up a lot of relaxing time at home with my husband and close friends. In my home. Eating a lot of cookies. So here is our own Christmas card of sorts, with a recap of my/our 2012:

2012 has been perfect in so many ways, yet I have never been so s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-d as I was this year. And there were LOTS of big milestones hit!! Shall we look at the highlights?

1. Foot surgery happened at the end of 2011, but I kicked off the first few minutes of 2012 by attempting to play Just Dance in my parents' living room in my awesome post-op shoes. It was interesting. My new walking skills were compared to those of a stork, baby fawn, and a one-year-old child. Needless to say, we grew as a soon-to-be-married couple when he carried me to the bathroom and washed my hair for me. How cute. One year later, I have beautifully scarred and bunion-less feet!

2. With the wedding coming up, I spent all of my free time creating wedding things and attending bridal showers. I have sweet friends! When I wasn't doing schoolwork, my days were consumed with creating boutonnieres and finding the right clothes for the bridal party. David helped eat shower food and nod his head in approval of every item we registered for. Actually, that last part isn't 100% true. Woohoo for wedding planning!

3. Big Milestone #1: Renting our first home. One week before the wedding, we moved into the most PRECIOUS townhouse apartment in Louisville. I love love love our first home; it has been a huge joy to spend our first year of marriage in this area!

4. Big Milestone #2: Marriage. On May 19, I married my best friend and promised to love him forever. It has only gotten better since then, and I'm oh-so-thankful for a husband who has grown and matured in 7 months SO much more than I ever could have anticipated. The love fern we planted on that first day of marriage is still thriving in our living room, even though D didn't water it for the entire month I was out of the country... even so, the fern thrives!!! What does that tell you about our AWESOME marriage?! We also went on a honeymoon to Jamaica, where we stuffed ourselves with good food and slept like there was no tomorrow. Weddings are exhausting.

5. With our wedding over, it was time to get ready for another family matrimony! David's sister Jamie got married to sweet Blake in August. We went to lots of weddings for friends this year, but this one was definitely the most special. I loved getting to meet many of David's family members and spend some time getting to know them. And now, even more exciting news... we will be aunt and uncle to sweet little Brantley in May!! We're so excited for the Harwoods!!!

7. Big Milestone #3: Student teaching. D worked full-time (and usually overtime) at his job so that I would be able to do student teaching without worrying about working. That man is a GEM. Student teaching was a precious experience that confirmed for me what the Lord has created me to do. I loved teaching those 1st and 3rd graders, but it certainly kept me busy! Through my students, I learned to see the gifts that God truly has placed in each individual person that could uniquely give Him glory. I learned to embrace the gifts He has given me so that I can serve Him in the best way I know how. One artistically-gifted child chose to depict me on a unicorn, riding on a rainbow, as a departing gift for me... how ironic.

8. The last month of my student teaching was spent in Quito, Ecuador. I worked with a kinder class and a wonderful teacher in a K-12 bilingual (ish) school. D was such a trooper for letting me go on this trip that I had planned for since sophomore year of college, and I am so thankful!! This month was a strengthener in our marriage and an affirmation that we definitely work better together than apart.

9. Big Milestone #4: Graduation! Less than a week after returning to the States, we graduated from college! This is a photo of the other student teacher at my elementary school. It was so sweet to graduate with each of the people who worked so hard with me to complete each semester. I'm thankful for WKU and all that it has meant to me over the past 4 1/2 years. I've got prospects for teaching jobs in the future, but I'll share more when things are more definite!

That's our 2012 in review. It was a big year for us with a LOT of changes... but we are looking forward to 2013 with big expectations and lots of hope! Merry Christmas :)

Love,

The Dahls

Moving Day, just one more time

I've moved around a lot. I started my blogging journey way back in my freshman year of college with the blog name "Peaceful Heart" and a need for a creative outlet. I needed a way to get my thoughts out, and I really liked the idea of creating a blog template to fit my personality. But... who starts a blog thinking that no one will ever find it or read it?!

I'm not sure when people started actually reading my blog, but it became something that I loved to do. It goes deeper than the trendiness of DIY blogs and spill-your-heart-on-your-sleeves-in-hopes-that-someone-will-notice. Instead, blogging became a means for me to discover how much I love the written word and heartfelt truth. 

I've moved from emharrod to emilymdahl, and from Blogger to Wordpress and back to Blogger, and through it all I've only changed my blog name once. That's a good thing, because I'm already getting confused from all the changes. Hopefully the blog-moving will end here. I am still praying and thinking through my goals for this blog, and I'm excited to materialize what has been whipping through my brain!

So, for now... sit tight and wait. And add http://mrsdahlface.blogspot.com to your blogroll, if you want. I've got a lot of random interests, and I hope to be able to morph them into one Kasih-Mengasihi blog!

What important things do you look for in a blog??

New name, new address, new blog, etc.

Let it be noted that my blog has changed addresses. But it's temporary- the lameness and un-originality of my blog domain makes me cringe.

Let it also be noted that we have survived one whole month of marriage! That's right, everyone- 4 weeks of wedded bliss have gone by and it feels like it has only been 4 days. Since becoming husband & wife, I have learned that I have a long way to go in the cooking realm, D is an awesome encourager, D sheds like a dog, I need to learn to drive a stick, and there is no better feeling than being able to say "good night" rather than "good bye" every single day.

Marriage is more than I could have asked for but scarier than I ever could have imagined. I have absolutely.no.earthly.idea what I am doing, and the role of "wife" still makes me shake in my boots. I have never felt so incompetent for a task in my life. But you know what? This feeling of incompetence and weakness has served to let me fall into the grace of a God who will equip me for every single good work that I need as a wife. And it's very freeing, this grace-full way of living. When I feel like a failure, He picks me up and brushes me off and juices me up to live another day on His strength. And He puts D in front of my face to tell me that he loves me despite my failures.

I love being D's wife. And I'm thankful that God is using this season to teach me more than I ever wanted to learn... even if it means plucking me out of the familiar and comfortable in order to learn those truths. Yay for marriage!

5.19.12

Our wedding day was more than I could have ever asked for.

All that anxiety over rain on our outdoor wedding, finishing programs, having enough food, making the budget, finding bridesmaid dresses, and figuring out how to wear my wild & curly hair... it was all blown to the wind for one beautiful and perfect day. And it really was perfect- I couldn't have asked for it to go any differently!

I could not have been happier to stand before a group of people I love and I know love us, alongside my best friends, praising my sweet Savior, looking straight into the face of the man I've waited for my entire life. I am so proud, blessed, and thankful to call D my husband!

The best day of my life was very easily May 19, 2012- but that day was planned out down to the minute. Every step, song, speech, and action was pre-planned by me and my amazing wedding coordinator. Now we step into unchartered waters; the unknown vastness of life as husband and wife... the life of which we know absolutely nothing about. In this unknown, we know that God can do "immeasurably more than we could ever ask for or imagine" with our momentary marriage. We know that it will only last if we keep it "rooted and established in love" that only comes from Christ-like servanthood. We have no idea what we're doing, but we know a God who can shine a bit of light down the road just ahead. He will place each foot in the place where it should next step as we cling to the promises of Ephesians 3:17-21.

I love to think about the best day of my life because it reminds me that God is faithful- but now we look forward to seeing how His faithfulness will provide for us at each step of our marriage!

When a season ends

Uninspired, I close my laptop once more in hopes that I will one day soon be motivated and encouraged to write the feelings I've had for the last month or so. The problem with it all, however, is that the inspiration just isn't there. I've had plenty of feelings and things to spur a slew of paragraphs- transitioning from a college town to the hometown, marriage in a mere 5 weeks, an appreciation for art and nature and God-given gifts in a world full of icky sin and self-glorification, and the sentimental depression that comes with realizing I won't be seeing many BG people again for quite some time. But I just haven't had any inspiration to write about it or truly feel.

Seasons are so funny- the new-ness and mystery of a new season causes my stomach to fill with nervous anticipation, yet I can't grip my heart firmly enough to shake it back into the reality of the present. I remember sitting in a best friend's car in 2007, hovering in my driveway before I hopped out and walked inside my house. We talked about I can't wait's and What will it be like's until our eyes were sleepy and our hearts were dreamy. We wondered, hesitant but curious, if college would provide all of the opportunities we hoped it would. We dismissed the last few months of high school with a flick of the wrist, and we wistfully waited until the day that we would meet our college roommates or create our own schedules. And before we knew it, high school was gone.

College will be gone in the blink of an eye. The calendar posted on the back of my bedroom door grows smaller and smaller, as the weeks are peeled off and the days count down. If I am "but a vapor," what do I have to show for the last four years of college?

Here are 10 things that, 4 years ago, I never thought would come out of my own mouth:

1. "I will miss BG."


2. "I don't need friends to make me secure. Christ is my sufficiency."


3. "These green beans I made actually taste pretty good."


4. "It's okay, because He is in control."


5. "I love you, David."


6. "When I went to West Africa..."


7. "I really want to move to the Middle East."


8. "I will really miss those precious high school girls."


9. "I'm not sure if I'll get a B or a C in that class. Oh well- I worked hard."


10. "Go Cats!" (oh wait, I never actually said that)

Today I am thankful for the journey He has taken me on and the road He has in store for me. There is a time for everything under the sun, and I am trying as hard as I can to appreciate each little bitty thing that He throws me in each season. Will I always be thankful for everything? Probably not. Right now I'm feeling really hateful towards the Teacher Work Sample and class in general. Will I try to adjust my attitude so that I can make the most of these last 3 weeks of class? Absolutely.

I am so so so looking forward to May 19 and beyond, but I want to sweetly savor every last bit of these last 4 weeks in this unique and short season!

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens." -Ecc. 3:1

When I'm Overwhelmed

It's been a crazy 2 weeks. There have been many "small" things that have tempted me to despair and grow weary. When piled up on top of one another, those little things add up to a giant tower which looms over me with a shadow that makes me forget that I ever basked in the Light. I know no other cry than "at the end of my heart's testing, with Your Likeness let me wake."

When it seems that I have so much to do, so many decisions to make, so many transitions to come upon, so many unexpected things to deal with, and so much money to spend on so many things that won't even matter come June... I find my rest in the joy that I can wake every morning looking at the face of Jesus- because He's been here all along.

Each season has a tower of its own; I feel as though I am taking on two towers at once as a future wife-student. But the great thing is that Christ is bigger than the tower. He confused the languages at Babel, and He can remain un-overwhelmable by the things that I see looming before me. My tower is not so huge that He can't handle it. Isn't it sweet to know that Jesus is there?

Good-bye, Facebook

Today, I thought "I should post that on my status."
And then I realized that I had no Facebook.

I've decided to temporarily (or maybe permanently) remove myself from Facebook for so many reasons, and so far it has proved to be very rewarding. In the season of life that I'm at and the road the Lord has me walking on, it just seems like the best idea. Maybe I'll harp on it later, or maybe I won't, but for now- just know that I'm trying my hardest to live faithfully in the monotony of schoolwork and the fast pace of wedding planning.

Rather than scrolling down the Newsfeed, I've been able to fill my brain and my soul with uplifting things- and I've found so much hope in the daily posts at {in}courage. For the female soul, this blog really is an honest voice- sometimes from the broken and defeated, but always hopeful and encouraging. Today I found so much hope in a post about faithfulness (even when you're only being faithful to a laundry pile or a homework assignment). I highly encourage a look at it:

http://www.incourage.me/2012/02/faithfulness-vs-prominence.html

The Beauty of Reflection

Have you ever had so many different thoughts or circumstances to process that you just wanted to store them in a little pretty box, waiting for a rainy day when you might crack the lid open and ponder the thoughts over a cup of peach tea? That's how I often feel. Very often. I encounter sweet children at school who are misunderstood, pushed to the corner, and just need someone to hold their hand as we walk down the hallway. I read big truths from God's Word that take days to sink through the hard layers of my learning heart. A conversation with a stranger becomes intentional, and I want to think about the things I've learned. A friendship is lost over hurt feelings, and I shove my feelings into a corner so as not to feel the hurt again. Another week of singleness flies fleetingly by as I daily make plans for a wedding and a marriage. I want to reflect, but so many other things pull for my attention. So I place them in my little pretty box, waiting for a rainy day to encounter them once more. To think about what exactly to do with each of them.



But maybe life is best learned when you carry those thoughts with you in a locket around your neck, just waiting to be brought to the light in a moment's notice. I've always loved lockets; they hold such a value of timeless sentiment and special love. When you wear a locket, whatever's inside lies close to your heart- literally- and only you know that it's there. You can take it out in a moment of need or a moment of boredom, and what's inside is either a call to reflect, react, or retry. Rather than pushing the events of life to the side, storing them in a pretty box and forgetting the impact it had on the person you were 2 minutes after it happened, the locket would serve as a sweet reminder to make the most out of every single opportunity.



With every pain comes a lesson. With every joy comes a feeling of blessing. With every love comes a conviction, and with every conviction comes a change. But none of these things would happen if we didn't reflect and ponder how the Lord placed every situation into our lives for a specific reason, and He delights to teach us new things with the dawn of each new day. He is not a God of clutter or forgetfulness; He is a God who remembers and finds beautiful things in the dust of any situation.

"Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you." -Psalm 116:7

No matter how painful or joyful or fleeting or enduring your life has been, the Lord has something good to teach you- and He will speak when we are still, holding fastly to our lockets as we learn daily from the truths that He's hidden inside.

A pep talk for my last semester

School starts tomorrow, and I'm sitting here attempting to read each 25-page syllabus/do the readings (who gives homework before classes even begin?!?!), but all I've accomplished is making a pitcher of passion tea and breaking my heart to the sound of Boyce Avenue (just listen- http://youtu.be/GhFSgnvKqm4). Oh well. It is still break, after all.

College has been full of transitions- both smooth and abrupt- and it seems that college students just learn to brace themselves for every jerk of the ride. New friendships blossom at the beginning of every semester, often wilting as soon as someone transfers, graduates, or just plain gives up on school altogether. New dorm rooms and new professors at the start of each year. New freshman to make you realize how old you have gotten (and I couldn't have possibly looked that small and immature when I was a freshman?!...). New classes at the beginning of every semester allow us to pick our new favorite seat and get a new reputation with the professor and the class. You decide your social fate on the very first day of class- if you are talkative and introduce yourself to those around you, you may make new friends to share notes/beg for help/complain about the class with... but if you keep to yourself on the first day, staring at the syllabus on your desk until the professor waltzes in to explain it, you probably will go in & out from class every day without even learning the name of the person next to you. The first day of class is always a new beginning. They are broken up by so many breaks and long car rides up & down I-65 and rolling suitcases and stuff you can pack easily that suddenly... everything begins to seem so temporary. So. Many. Transitions.

The big transitions are coming up for me in just 4 months. I'll be leaving my apartment in Bowling Green which I share with 2 other girls, moving back to Louisville, living with a boy, living in Louisville, leaving my church, leaving WKU, student teaching in JCPS, then getting a big girl teaching job (Lord willing, in January!). Oh my goodness. Suddenly, I want to cherish that 8:00 a.m. class that I have tomorrow morning and the little apartment that I share with my sweet friends. I want to appreciate and find joy in the wedding planning process, and I want to enjoy being engaged until the day that we are married. I want to cherish the time I have left at my precious church, because I'm going to miss it so much when I leave. The last 4 years have been full of so many temporary things that I've dismissed with wishful "If only time could move faster"s and "I can't wait"s. Rather than complaining, I'm praying that the Lord humbles me to realize that my season of singleness is a rare gem that I won't get back come May 19. How will He use me until then?

I am so thrilled to find out how He'll use me as a married woman, but until then... I pray that He'll use me to His maximum potential in the time I have left as a single one.

In the meantime, I'm using this short amount of time I've got left before I get married to learn how to cook- I keep saying I'll do it, but I've put it off. I took a Gourmet Foods class last year, which was a start, but I really am terrible at making food. So go to my "Operation Domestication" page (thank you for appreciating my creative title) to watch the process- I really hope it works out :) ha.

4 months. I'm ready now. Thank you for reading my mental pep talk to go read those syllabi and have a happy heart about it.

Day 30: Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days

I get a little tingly feeling when I think about where I'll be on December 7, 2012. Life will look so different in a year, and I'm thankful yet terrified. Where will He lead me? Where will I be? I have so many plans, yet they all rest in the Father's hands and He can do whatever He wants with them.

This time next year, I hope to be married to D and keeping up with a precious little apartment in Louisville (location TBA). This exact time next year, I hope to be finishing up the tail end of my student teaching by spending a few weeks in Quito, Ecuador with some bilingual students at a ridiculously expensive P-12 school. I pray, so much, that my time in Ecuador will have been preceded by some student teaching with ESL and elementary students in Jefferson County. I will be dreaming of walking the line and ending my time at WKU in December- finally.

I really really really hope it doesn't rain the week before May 19. I really extra super hope that it doesn't rain on May 19. I've put in a couple requests to the Weather Man up there in the sky, but you never know what He'll have up His sleeve :)

I'm dreaming of a summer, after finishing Block 2, of simply working and decorating a new home. I realized yesterday that I haven't spent a whole summer in Louisville since my sophomore year of high school, and so it will be interesting to experience my hometown once again in the middle of the hot months!

I'm really hoping that my foot surgery goes very well in order that I can get back into running. I've always loved running, and often get in these weird moods where all I want to do is burst outside and run a mile or two (mostly happens when I'm hunched over Microsoft Word for hours), but the combination of weak knees/shin splints/hurt ankles/bunions (go ahead and laugh) have kept me from running since I joined the track team in high school. Once my crooked toes are straightened out, I really hope I'll be able to run without pain!

I'm dreaming of getting involved at Americana once again after moving back home. In fact, I'm dreaming about all the possibilities for working with immigrants & refugees that Louisville has to offer- especially in the summertime, when I'll have (a little bit more) free time!

There's so much more I'm hoping for... but we'll see what happens :)

Day 2: Where I would like to be in 10 years

This one is so much easier to write about than yesterday's topic! Since the day my elementary teacher gave me an agenda to write down my assignments, I've been hooked on planning- in fact, I'm pretty sure I wrote my friends' assignments down in their agendas in 4th grade. It's that bad. I still have the planners I used in high school and my freshman year of college for 2 reasons: 1)I'm that attached to my planners and 2) it makes me laugh to look back at how much I wrote down and how ridiculously organized I was (and still am, really). I was a busy girl, but the organization of it all is what keeps me together.

Not only do I hold tight to my planner in order to know the next few weeks of my life, but I also hold tight to plans for the future with a grip that the Lord is slowly loosening and releasing. I can remember a time in high school when I told a friend that I would be perfectly content to be a "soccer mom" for the rest of my life- minivan and all. I just knew that my life would involve public relations, children, and a husband. And a minivan, of course.

After spending a week in Guatemala and having my heart tugged in a thousand different directions by God through the faces of sweet little kids, I found my "soccer mom" plans to be tremendously shaken and questioned. I began to wonder just what the Lord had in store for me, and realized that I had been holding on to my future plans with a frightening grip that relented any tender whisper from God to give them up. I considered going on a summer-long trip that would take me away from many close loved ones, and I almost talked myself out of it. In fact, many people tried to talk me out of it. But I found a short and profound quote by Corrie ten Boom in the front of my Bible, and I immediately applied to go to Asia:

"Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God."

It seems like a simple concept, but when you're in college and literally feel like the entire world is at your feet, it can be overwhelming to peacefully submit an entire life and future to the Lord. Since going to Asia, I have learned that people have many plans, but the Lord determines every single one of their steps (Prov. 16:9). Since then, I've made so many plans and had so many expectations, and it just seems to me that all of those plans never seem to work out the way I intend for them to. Therefore, when I tell you my plans, I will most definitely put the disclaimer of "Lord willing" in front of it- and it is incredible what peace has washed over me as a result of laying all of my plans in His hands! I wish I could go on for a few more days about the incredible lessons I have learned from the Lord about resting on the promise that He sees and knows everything that will happen to me, and He is in control of every bit of it.

So yes, I have those fun ideas about where I'd like to be in 10 years- I'd love to be married to David Carl and have had a few precious little children by then, and I would love to have a couple years of experience under my belt of teaching ESL and special needs kids, and I would LOVE to be in another country where the name of Jesus is rarely spoken, and I would love to have learned how to cook like my momma and sew precious little dresses for precious little girls, and it would be great if we were all healthy and happy and little world travelers. But I know that God does not promise for everything to turn out the way I plan, so I'm resting on the promise that He allows every good, pleasing, and perfect purpose of His own to come to completion (Romans 12:2).

Of course, I would decide to give the long answer to a seemingly easy question.

For those of us who worry too much...

"Whatever my God ordains is right,
Here shall my stand be taken;
Though sorrow, or need, or death be mine,
Yet I am not forsaken,
My Father’s care circles me there,
He holds me that I shall not fall,
And so to Him I leave it all."
~Samuel Rodigast

Today I have found a lot of peace in knowing that, if I take things day by day, I don't have to worry. Worrying about a pile of assignments or the food at our wedding is not necessary, because whatever my God ordains is right. Although this year has been full of a lot of happy times and happy days and many blessings, I have to remember that GOD ordains my every step and thought and movement... not myself. I'm thankful that He is teaching me, day by day, to walk with the faith that trusts He will bring me through even the smallest thing. I think it's a lot easier to depend on Him in the big things than it is to trust in His deliverance through the small things.... and I'm determined to change my 'Type A Personality' thinking! My prayer is that, by His grace, I'll learn to instantly throw myself upon Him in the early hours of every day, before those responsibilities and tasks begin to roll in with overwhelming force.

My God does not forsake even His most high-strung children... what a gift! Yet He calls me to "cast my cares" upon Him and not to worry about tomorrow. What a simple thing to say, but what effort it has taken over the years to truly get to the point where my heart can say that I will cast the cares entirely into His hands! He can take my burdens, and whatever He ordains is right. Word.

I'm going to be a wife?!

The past 3 days have been an absolute whirlwind because I am ENGAGED to an incredible man (who will soon be my husband!!)!!! Wow. After days of staring at my ring and re-telling the precious story, I am still having difficulty letting it sink in that I will be a wife in just a little over a year. It's been great to talk with family & friends about the exciting moment Saturday night, but I have had little time to just sit and let it all become real in my mind!

Although D certainly surprised me, I shouldn't have been shocked. My relationship with the Lord has been in a "waiting" stage, just waiting for understanding and clarity. The Lord brought Scripture to my attention that commanded my whole life- marriage, family, friendships, agenda, everything- and He challenged me to think about what things I clench in my hands too firmly. So often (a.k.a. all the time) I hold fast to the hope of being a mother or teacher or having "me" time on the weekends or getting plenty of time to sleep- and I forget that Christ gave all, so He asks for all of us! To "sacrifice" means to give up something that we love, something that means a lot to us. Abraham, after all, was asked to sacrifice his only son Isaac.

I struggled with the affections of my heart for a while. Was my heart knitted closer to God or to man? Which would I be willing to give up, if given the opportunity or command? How often each day do I truly die to my own desires? Christ asks all. He took me on an incredible journey to realizing how important Jesus should be in my life, and I fell in love with Him all over again. He gently disciplined his daughter, asking for radical faith that produces obedience. He brought 1 Corinthians 7:34-35 to my attention, encouraging me to change my outlook on submitting to God's plans:

"An unmarried woman is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world- how she can please her husband."

I realized that I cannot create my own plans for my life, labeling them as "God's Will." The comfortable thing is not always God's thing. I prayed, sought counsel, and attempted to seek the Lord's guidance. Jim Elliot's prayer rung true in my heart- "I am willing that 'my house on earth be emptier,' but not unless 'His house be fuller.'" Waiting for understanding and a word from the Lord nearly killed me- I thought about it hourly! His answer to my prayers was quite different from what I was expecting...

I was expecting and praying for a definite answer. A clear "YES" or a clear "NO." Would I serve the Lord greatest with a husband and family, or with an adopted family of believers? How will His Kingdom be best advanced through me? My cry was "the Lord will fulfill His purpose for me; Your love, O Lord, endures forever- do not abandon the works of Your hands!" (Ps. 138:8) Rather than answering with yes or no, He told me to WAIT. After long weeks of crying out and seeking to have more faith, desperately longing for an answer, I found that the Lord quieted my soul with the gentle command to wait for understanding. Oswald Chambers says "living a life of faith . . . is literally a life of faith, not of understanding & reason- a life of knowing Him who calls us to go." So I waited, in the meantime learning to love Him despite a lingering revelation.

I'm thankful to say that He revealed His purpose to me through a cute boy giving a sweet proposal on Saturday night. Although I do not have absolute assurance of that wedding day arriving (James 4:13-15), Lord-willing I will soon be a wife for a man who uplifts and encourages me to love & serve Jesus more. As Abraham was given his son's life after raising his hand to murder & sacrifice Isaac, the Lord gave me D once I sacrificed the option of marriage (but only if it meant serving more effectively as a single woman).

The Lord is good, and He promises to provide for us. He asks for all of us, but He also delights to do good for His children:

"I will give them singleness of heart and action, so they will always fear me for their own good... I will never stop doing good to them... I will rejoice in doing them good and will assuredly plant them in this land with all my heart and soul." -Jeremiah 32:39-41

I am so thankful for the assurance and rest my soul has felt in the last few days- I have waited on the Lord, and He has answered! "Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you." (Ps 116:7) My prayer today is that I would keep singleness of heart, wholly devoted to Christ while also serving my future husband. I pray that Christ really will be glorified so much more through our future marriage than He would have been through us walking down separate paths. I never, ever want to cling too tightly to the things of this world- and I will continue to live a life of faith- not of understanding, but a life of knowing Christ. And He is well worth getting to know :)

What are your hands holding firmly, that the Lord might ask you to give up for His sake? He gave all, He asks all. I'm still learning this.